Mike's Guide to Life

Get to know Los Angeles sports fans

We are amidst the NBA playoffs and while normally I don’t care about basketball, living in Los Angeles has forced me to at least somewhat watch most of the playoff games.

If you aren’t aware, the LA Lakers are facing off against the Orlando Magic in a best of seven series for the championship.  Quickly about the two teams, the Lakers have Kobe Bryant and the Magic has Dwight Howard.  Both stars of their teams and two of the best in the NBA.

Enough with that though.  I realize that if you have been following basketball you know this already, and if you don’t follow basketball you probably don’t care.

Just stay with me here people. I write.  You read.  There is a method to the madness.

So, this article is not about the two teams at all and not about the game of basketball, but rather the fans.

Living in LA, I have learned a lot about the fans of each game, and am ready to share with you how Los Angeles fans are, and am sure this can translate to fans of pretty much any team.

The first kind of fan is the Armchair Quarterback.  This term isn’t anything new, but if you don’t know what it is then let me explain.

So, lets just say you never played a sport in your life (1).  You are a casual fan of the game, but playing a game vs just watching a game is quite different.  The armchair quarterback though many times hasn’t played the game, but instead watches ESPN, or merely just the pregame show and will repeat everything he has learned.

(1) Me?  Tennis.  Was something like 18-4 in high school. NO BIG DEAL GUYS. VARSITY.  LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM TWO YEARS IN A ROW. Oh also, I’m Jewish.  That’s why I played tennis.

During the game, this quarterbacking can turn to be quite annoying.  The armchair quarterback will question the moves made by the coaches and the technique players are using (2).  To most casual fans, the armchair quarterback might sound like he knows what he’s talking about, but lets look at this a bit further.

(2) Did I mention LEAGUE CHAMP.  NUMBER 4 IN SINGLES ON TEAM.  NUMBER 2 DOUBLES TEAM.

Most coaches in the NBA, or any sport for that matter, know something about the sport they coach.   If you want to sit back and yell how horrible he is, you probably should try to be a coach yourself (3).  Bottom line.

(3) I WON THE FINAL MATCH TO GIVE OUR TEAM WINS MULTIPLE TIMES ON THE WAY TO OUR CHAMPIONSHIPS.

The next kind of fan is the Flag Waving Fan.  This is a form of a bandwagoner (4) and it is quite plentiful in Los Angeles.  Lakers fans are known for putting mini flags on their cars during the playoffs.  In my 2 years of living in Los Angeles, the only time these stupid flags came out are during the NBA playoffs.  The flags are there to say, “Look, I live in LA, and I have a fake tan, fake personality, but WHAT I DON’T HAVE IS A FAKE LOVE FOR MY TEAM.  That’s why I put flags on my car.  Now shut up and watch them  flag babies blow in the wind while I drive away.”

(4) Bandwagoner is a fan who only starts following his team when the team does well.  Look, a real footnote. Blah blah blah.

The third kind of fan is the Dodger fan.  I will lump this one all together as it is specific to the Dodgers.  I admit, that the Dodgers are playing well this year.  If you go to a game though you’ll notice a few things.

One, is the commonly pointed out fact that the fans get to the stadium at the 3^rd inning and leave at the 7^th inning.  True, traffic is rough, but like, come on. Go watch your team (5). The other thing you’ll notice about Dodger fans is that they play with beach balls in the stands, and do the wave. (6) These are both things that the fans do as much as possible to seemingly avoid actually paying attention to their team.

(5) Like you COULD HAVE WATCHED ME PLAY TENNIS.  Oh wait, you don’t care?  Come on, really good in high school.

(6) You know, when section by section people stand up waving their arms as to make a “wave” go around the stadium. I. Hate. Real. Footnotes.

So lets recap a Dodger fan.  He will get to the stadium in the 3^rd inning, play with beach balls and do the wave until the 7^th inning, when he will then leave the game in attempts to beat traffic.

Awesome.

Well, that does it for another Guide to Life.  You might be thinking to yourself, “Mike, if you live in LA and don’t like the fans of the sports teams, why would you be there still?”

Answer is simple.  I’m moving, but I’m sure that will come up another time.  Until then, love, peace and see you next week. (7)

(7) Ok, so you don’t care about my tennis.  I did grow my hair long though while I played, wore a headband, tube socks, and short shorts.  Cool at least right?

Pushin’ rhymes about weight

I’m white.  I’m Jewish.   Therefore, I listen to rap music.  Interestingly enough, even though I am Jewish, I do go to the gym.  I’m not sure what the tie in is between all this but I do know that Ice Cube’s song “Pushin’ Weight” talks about how he, “push(es) rhymes like weight.”  By the transitive property of math or something, I’m therefore going to rhyme to you this Guide to Life about pushing weight at the gym, much like Ice Cube pushes rhymes like weight.  You see people?!  There is a connection after all.

*eh hem* *cough* *cough*

So, you grab a towel and grab your gym ID,
You’re wearing one of your gym-only T’s
For me it’s probably an old fraternity shirt,
With yellow armpits and stained from dirt.

It’s ok because your shirt shouldn’t be a worry,
Instead you have to think about the gym flurry,

Arrival at the gym and you say, “Hi” to the girl at the desk,
You see her everyday but still get no respect.
“Where’s your ID,” she’ll blandly say,
Seriously, you see her every day.

A gym though has more security than the pentagon,
Or a southern hick who is guarding his lawn.

You notice equipment sitting there all free,
But the one you want is completely busy.
You ask how long it will take before the equipment will be yours,
“Bro, bro bro  few minutes just doing sets of threes and fours.”

He finally finishes his exercise,
But like most gym rats this guy isn’t too wise.
You brought your towel cause you sweat like a mule,
But this dude didn’t and on the equipment he left a pool.

Moral of the story goes like this,
If you sweat like Louis Anderson before the gym make a list,
Towel, towel, towel, is what you shouldn’t forget,
Nobody wants to be drowning in your sweat.

Moving on to old lady in spandex,
It’s nothing I have against you or the people of your sex.
But when you wear something so revealing,
Just know that later appetites are what you’re stealing.

I admire you and all others who are working out into your 50’s,
But wear something that covers up a little better please.

Now, there are many different people you see at the gym,
Mostly doing the weight appropriate for her or him.
Every now and then though theres that one gym freak,
Obviously from steroids the guy has a tweak.

Dude taking roids is pretty wrong,
Even if you’re more cut than the hair of Howie Long.

We get it you want to be like your idol Dodger Manny,
But you shouldn’t be putting needles in your fanny.

Share this poem with everyone – your father, brother or niece,
Until next week much love and peace.

Guys, don’t do brunch

I’m a dude.  I eat like a dude.  I have my three meals a day and while trying to be healthy, I will have the occasional hamburger or piece of pizza here and there but I don’t ever over do it.  I feel like being out of college is the right time to eat well and take whatever responsibility for my life that I can.

While I eat three meals a day, I usually like to keep it this way.  I see myself as a man of certain habit.  I get to work and have cereal, yogurt, and a banana every single morning.  Sometimes I’ll throw in some kind of nutrition bar, but for the most part this is literally what my breakfast is.  Lunch is either some sort of chicken salad or plain sandwich.  Dinner I get a little creative sometimes, but I usually pick from a few places.(1)

(1) Subway, Subway, or maybe Subway

Now, you might be reading this and thinking, “Mike, I don’t give a crap about what you’re eating habits are.” (2) That might be true, except for the fact that you can literally learn everything there is to life by following me, so chill with the attitude for a second and hang with me here.

(2) and then going on to think “but damn you are probably the most awesome guy in the world.”

The point of this article is to point out that three meals a day are necessary for a dude like me.  Some say it’s good to eat small meals every few hours, but I digress. 
The point I truly want to make is that in a three meal a day lifestyle, brunch does not fit in the equation.

You might be thinking that its kind of ridiculous that a Jew doesn’t like brunch since usually bagels are a staple of these meals, but for me, and all guys anywhere, brunch should not be allowed.

For one, I don’t really participate in any projects that you “do.”  Let me explain.  I don’t “do drinks,” I don’t “do karaoke,”  and I sure as hell don’t “do brunch.”  I’m not sure what it is about the operative word, “do” but I don’t like it and feel like it’s a good way to knock off activities that I don’t particularly care for.

The second thing about this whole brunch thing, is that I feel like it is meant for women only.  I have never seen an episode of Sex and the City (3) but I feel like every episode of that show includes Sarah Jessica Parker and those other women at brunch at some point talking about the men in their lives.   Girls, good, go do brunch and gossip all you want about guys, but guys this isn’t the same way the other way around.

(3) Promise.

Guys, all your gossiping about girls should be spent in gym shorts or boxers as you lay around your living room, not in any sort of prissy meal eating atmosphere.
I called it prissy food, and there’s good reason for that.  On a nice Sunday afternoon, I don’t want scrambled eggs or eggs Benedict or Pope Benedict or Pope John Paul III.   I don’t want a quiche or croissant or blintz or dasher or dancer or prancer or vixen or comet or cupid or donner. (4) I also sure as hell don’t want crepes, mostly because I have no idea what they even are.  You see what I’m getting at here?  If a guy like me doesn’t know what these foods are, they don’t belong on my plate.

(4) Those are all 10 of Rudolph’s reindeer right?

Now if you’re a guy reading this and for some reason want to do brunch again, there is a time when this is allowed.   Girls, like I said, you can do brunch whenever your heart desires.  Guys though, wait until you are at least 30 or 35, when you are more likely to be married or in a serious relationship.  I feel like then and only then will it be allowed because your significant other will probably drag you to it.  In that case, fine, go do it, but make a pact with your loved one that there will be absolutely no picture taking allowed.  Also, if anyone asks where you were, you had a BBQ at your house that morning (5) and absolutely did NOT attend a made up meal that combines breakfast, lunch, and overall ridiculousness.

(5) Oh and there was also a bitchin’ slip-n-slide.  Maybe Crocodile Mile even?

Well again, its been fun.  Stay strong guys and avoid brunch as long as possible.

See you all next week.

A Guide to Yo Momma’s Day

Mother’s Day is this Sunday and if you forget, your life is pretty much over.  Good thing I’m here, as always to save your life from falling into a total pit of despair.  This article isn’t about me though, maybe for once, and instead is about your Mom.  No, this isn’t going to be a serious of Yo’ Mamma jokes (1), but instead a way for you to make sure that you treat your mom right on Mother’s day.

(1) But, Yo Mamma is so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. Sorry, but that’s just the truth.

You see, it’s a simple holiday…a holiday in which you thank your Mom for all that she has done for you in the past, and to remind her how much you love her.  To accomplish making her feel special, follow this guide to make sure that her day is great, and that this makes you look better than ever.

First things first, cards of course are great, and absolutely necessary.  A card to a Mom might actual be the most important thing you can do for her.  I’m not sure what Mom’s love so much about cards, but really, don’t give a card, and don’t expect to be welcome back home anymore.  Give a card, and you are good at least until next year’s Mother’s day.

While I usually hate picking out cards for any kind of card giving event, picking cards out for Mother’s Day is as easy as can be.  Go to the store and find the card with the most flowers on it.  That’s right, it doesn’t even matter what it says, the more flowers the better.  She’ll love it guaranteed.   If you really want to impress her, write some sort of poem like:

Mom, you have done so much for me over the years,
You’ve helped me with my homework, and bought me fat kid jeans from Sears.
The amount of love for you I have you probably have no idea,
It is more than a computer company has for outsourcing jobs to India.

I would go on, but I am getting choked up just writing this.  Imagine how much your Mom will love to read something like this. (2)

(2) Feel free to use that poem without even giving me credit. I’m THAT good of a guy.

The next thing about Mother’s Day is that along with that card, gifts are probably a good thing to throw in there.  If you are home with your Mom, a nice bouquet of flowers should be quite adequate.  If you’re far from home though, like me, there is one option that always works.

This of course being a promise of a manicure and pedicure for your Mom the next time you’re home.  I’m not saying to do the manicure and pedicure yourself.  God no.  I know absolutely nothing about this (3). Rather, promise that you’ll buy your Mom this from the professionals.

(3) Don’t expect “Mike’s Guide to Nail Painting” anytime soon.

Really, I’m not quite sure I will ever understand what it is about manicures and pedicures that Moms love so much.  I guess I should correct myself though and say that I will never understand what it is about manicures and pedicures that any lady loves so much.

I understand manicures I guess.  Fine.  I’ll let you have your nice looking finger nails, but I can honestly say that I don’t think there has been a SINGLE time in my life when I have noticed a girls painted toe nails.  Maybe I’m just a guy and don’t notice these things, but literally not once.

But sorry, I digress.  The point is that Mom’s love that gift, and seriously I think my sister have gotten her some good nail paintings every birthday, Mother’s Day, and Hannukah that I can remember.

Dad gets a crazy tie, Mom gets her nails done (4)

(4) Or her nails “did” like the kids say these days.

Lastly, if steps 1 and 2 are too hard for you, God forbid you don’t call your Mom on Sunday.  Jewish Moms and calls is like Paula Abdul and pain killers.  An addiction.  Obviously not all of you reading this are Jewish, but I can imagine that this is something so extremely universal that if you don’t do this, you’re going to be in trouble.
That does it for this week’s Guide.  Have a nice Sunday and make sure you treat your Mom right.

See you all next week.

Love you Mom.

Happy Birthday to Me

Tomorrow is my birthday.   I reach the ripe old age of 24 and because of this birthday, I feel like it is necessary that this week’s Guide to Life is all about me.

Now you might be thinking, “Hey Mike, how will this be a Guide to Life if it’s all about YOU!?”  Well first of all, stop yelling in all capital letters, and secondly, the answer to that question is easy.  You see, I write and you read.  Many times, I’ll use examples in my articles that deal with my personal life.  By the transitive property (1) of math or something, since I write about me and you read what I write for advice, what you read about my life is something you learn from.

(1) Master of not only English, but also math.

Simple as that.

First off, I don’t ever go to the doctor.  Ever.  I’ve written before about how I am a machine and really, machines ALWAYS fix themselves and have no problems (2).  With this mentality, I am able to live a stronger life.  Don’t get me wrong here, I am not a scientologist or anything saying that my body will always cure itself without medicine, but rather I am saying that I always feel like my mind will kick the crap out of any illness or injury I get.

(2) Except my mom’s sewing machine that I have to fix every time I go home. Or my dad’s computer.

By doing this, I don’t limit myself in any way.  Here’s a perfect example:
My friends birthday was last night, and she thinks she has strep throat.  She is so worried about her sickness that she told me she might have to go to the doctor and get antibiotics, and then not be able to go out and celebrate her birthday this weekend.
The simple solution is to not go to the doctor.  If you aren’t told you have strep throat, you either don’t have it, or can at least prolong it a few more days.
What you don’t know, won’t hurt you (3).

(3) I should really be a doctor.

Second thing is that in my eyes, Barry Bonds will always be one of the greatest baseball players of all time, regardless of any sort of steroid controversy (4).

(4) It’s my birthday.  Tell me I’m wrong and you are a horrible human being.

Third thing is that I will never eat Orbitz gum.  This is not because of the taste or anything, but the package looks like you are opening up a mini purse to get to the gum inside.  A real man like me goes for Dentyne Ice every time.  Slide that gum out, pop a piece out of that foil, no power that piece out of the foil, and then go to town.  Orbitz is for girls, Dentyne Ice is for guys.  Pretty straight forward.

Next thing is that I have two plants in my room and this is something I can recommend to everyone.  This might be the most metrosexual thing about me.  For the most part, I’m a dude’s dude.  I wear shirts from Target, I have about two pairs of shoes, and I haven’t washed my car in months, but the plants are here in my room. 
The plants are also alive though.  I do this for a few reasons. One, is that they look nice.  More importantly though, I have grown to have a weird relationship (5) with them.

(5) Strictly platonic, of course. Or should I say PLANTonic?! http://tinyurl.com/2qr8dv

You see, I provide these plants life, and while they stay green and growing, I know that at least through whatever troubles and hardships I may have, that these two bad boys show that I am still capable of doing something right.  I water them maybe three times a week, which isn’t a whole lot of effort, but the at least there is some symbolism here to the fact that if those things die, it will mean that something is wrong with my responsibility.

Speaking of responsibility, I suggest you keep some sort of photo ID of yourself in asafe place.  This past weekend, I somehow lost my wallet.  Over and over again I have had to answer the question, “Well how did you lose it?”  Pretty much if I knew how I lost it, I would probably be able to find it.  Thank god I have my passport though.  While there are no real jokes with this other than you laughing at me for being an idiot, just know that a birthday without ID would not be a very fun birthday.  Luckily I have my passport around, and while its dorky to walk around with a checkbook and passport so I can pay for things, drastic times call for drastic measures.

Well that’s it for this Guide to Life.  Again, if you didn’t like anything I said, you’re horrible person since my birthday is tomorrow.

Love, peace, and see you next week.

Bowling expLANEd.

There are barbarian sports in the world such as football, rugby, and the only one my Jewish mother let me participate in being tennis.  On the other end of the spectrum, there’s golf, oh wait tennis (1), and then bowling.  Bowling really is the great equalizer among all people and really sometimes easily forgotten as something you and your friends can do.

(1) Rolled ankles to a Jewish mom is like a Football related injury like say, a shoulder separation to a non-Jewish mom.

If you haven’t been bowling in awhile, let this serve as a primer.  If you do regularly go bowling, let this serve as a guide to making sure that you’re doing it all right.
To do this, I’m going to break down bowling into a few of the different kinds of people you’ll find at a bowling alley.

I’ll start off with who else but myself, and the kind of bowler that I am.  I’ll call myself the All Power, No Skill Bowler.  In my mind, I have some skill, but in reality I am trying to make bowling into one of those barbaric sports mentioned earlier.  Basically, my technique is all about picking the lightest ball I can stick my fingers into (2), and throwing it as straight and hard as I possibly can (3).  By doing this, I am attempting to be stronger than the game.

(2) Careful.  Don’t be dirty now.

(3) Seriously, let’s get a little more mature

While bowling last night, my friend Heather and I got in a discussion about this technique.  She asked if I visualized the ball just being huge and if it would take everything out Indiana Jones-ball style.  I told her it was quite the opposite.  Instead, I imagine the ball being as small as possible, and that I can throw this ball so hard that it blasts the crap out of the pins, sending them into complete and total orbit.  I’m talking like into another hemisphere, sending these pins to freakin outer space.
200 pound machine throwing a 10 pound ball.  This isn’t complicated math here people.  Pins will explode.

The next kind of bowler is the Bro Bowler.  We actually didn’t have one with us, but rather the lane next to us.  Dude wasn’t a dude but a bro.  His gelled spikey hair was atop a squared face drinking beers and bowling with his girl, who happened to be about 18.  He looked to be around 25.  Bro thought he was such a badass that he had a competition with this barely legal girl that he was telling her he would destroy her.  Problem though, was that Bro was horrible at bowling.   While he thought he was awesome, his date kept beating him game after game after game.

The intent of this article is not to say guys or girls are better at bowling than each other, but hey bro, if you’re going to talk a big game to your girl, you should probably back it up.   This became more important when the girl started making fun of him to us guys who were on the lane next to them.  If we were into an 18 year old, maybe 17 Year old girl, bro would have not only lost in bowling, but also his date.

On the subject of girls, we have the next bowler, being the I Don’t Have Game, So I’ll Use Bowling As A Way To Pick Up Girls Bowler.  Not the catchiest title ever, but stay with me here folks.  In many large groups, there are bound to be a few guys who try a little to hard at picking up girls.

We had a few of them last night.  We also had two girls in our group.  While it’s all fine and dandy to try to meet new people, Wednesday night bowling probably isn’t the best way to pick up on chicks.  I’d say this is true about girls picking up on guys, but literally girls, you can try to pick up on dudes at any second of the day and any location there is without any kind of rules against it (4).

(4) Supermarket, ATM Machine, Funeral, whatever.

So, we have these dudes who awkwardly try to pick up on the girls.  It was obvious to everyone as they tried using such genius lines like, “Hey your glasses would look better on me” all the way down to sucking up by saying, “You’re pretty good at bowling.  You must practice ALL the time.”

Truth with these guys is their game would be better off suited for the arcade bowling alley, than the game they have with women.

Grab some quarters and go play DDR (5).

(5) Speaking of DDR, at what point will it be so popular that the next generation will start doing DDR moves when hard techno songs start playing out at Clubs and Bars?

The last bowler could have some overlap with the others, but for the most part is the All Too Serious Bowler.  If you bowl under 75, haha it’s ironic because you’re an adult and kids play the game and can probable get a score close to that.  If you bowl between 75 and 150, you’re in the 80th percentile skill wise and have fun with most people.  If you bowl over 150 in a casual game with your friends, you are a complete asshole.  In fact, it is impossible to look like you’re having fun if you’re bowling that well because everything switches from haha fun times, to must embarrass everyone.  You turn into Mr. Cool, but in reality you’re playing a game that many senior citizens would still destroy you at.

Ease up your game, and have some fun out there.  This is bowling.  One of the more silly games there is.

Because of length restraints, quickly here are some of the other kinds.  The Slow and Steady Thrower, the Tries To Spin It Like They Are Playing Wii Bowling, the I Just Go Bowling to Get Drunk Bowler, and the I’m Just Going To Try Trick Shots Because I Know I Suck Bowler.

Well, that does it for another Mike’s Guide to Life.  As always, I hope you learned something.

Love, peace, and see you next week.

Passover Wrap Up

This is a the finale of this

Wellp, Passover officially over and Passover officially is not fun.  It all starts out so fine and dandy with family and friends over the traditional Seder, but quickly rears its ugly ahead into bread prohibition which means hunger and suffering.  You’d think that since the Jews have suffered enough over history that we wouldn’t have to endure 8 more days of not living like the rest of society.

Hey Jews, its not like we aren’t singled out enough already, so let’s also add on rules that will make us alienated more.

Oh, what was that?  You stud.  You have a date with a lovely lady?  Ok, well that’s awesome, but now you have to explain to her that you can basically only eat salads.  Great.

Oh, so there is a baseball game featuring your favorite team who you haven’t watched play yet, so you travel 2 hours to get to the game, and you can’t drink beer or have a hot dog?  Yeah, that’s ideal.  It is a completely viable option though to fork and knife a hot dog out of its bun while sipping on soda.  Perfect day at the ballpark.

Oh, so you get to the office after a morning workout and really want breakfast, but can’t have pretty much anything?  No problem.  Just grab two pieces of Matzoh, heat up a freezer-burned garden burger, and make a sandwich. Delicious.

I get the holiday.  You make sacrifices as you reflect on what the Jews had to go through as they ran for freedom.  The thing though, is that I am pretty sure after hearing the story every year of my life, that I understand the hardships the Jews went through during Passover.  I saw the last 8 days as more of an annoyance than anything.

I do see it as an accomplishment though.  But come on.  How about we just go all out and rub lambs blood on our doors and throw frogs at each other to really learn what the Jews had to go through?

All in all, at least it was an interesting experience.  I learned that in my mind I can make temporary changes to my lifestyle, and judging from how my stomach has been today, it will take some adjusting to get back to normal.

By next week, this site will be restored back to order with a new article Thursday, and hopefully my stomach will be back in order by then too.

Till then, love and peace and I will see you next week.

FYI

Because of the ridiculousness of Passover, there won’t be a normal article today since I have a few more meals left to finish up this holiday.

There will be a full recap of my experience posted later today or tomorrow.