Many times, “Dead Week” really means nothing to Cal Poly students. Some might think it is a week where you pretty much are dead with exams and papers due, while others claim that it means that professors aren’t supposed to have anything due during the week. The real reason though, is quite apparent right now. That, of course, being that “Mike’s Guide to Life” is now officially dead. I know, it’s sad, but after 20-something articles, it must now come to a close. As you should know already, I am graduating next week and thus a new humor columnist will likely grace the pages of the Daily next school year. Who will it be? Who knows, but with this final “Guide to Life,” I’ll give you all that you need to know to be the next Mustang Daily Humor Columnist.

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With just a few weeks left of school, I feel like it is important for me to reflect upon the four years that I spent at Cal Poly. Now that I am graduating, I feel like I should look back on the time I was here and think back on what I learned, as I can now use these things for the future.

Since you have been a loyal reader all school year long, I am fully ready to give you the tips that you need to know to make sure that your college experience is as good as it can be.

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As a loyal reader of my articles, you would know that it was my birthday just a few weeks ago. With my birthday, I became the ripe old age of 22. With this old age, I have noticed that there are just some things I can no longer relate to when it comes to the younger generation. Namely, I feel like I just either don’t understand, or will always refuse to say some of the lingo.

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First of all, it’s May, and this means a few things. It means it is America’s May Day. Second, it is Canada’s Labour Day¹. And third and most importantly, it is my birthday. In honor of this joyous day for the world, I’m going to keep this Guide to Life as something that will be somewhat nostalgic, as we’re heading back to a friendlier, gentler and better time.

Let’s start off in fifth grade, when we all would line up during recess and play the classic, and pretty much now banned in almost all elementary school there is, dodgeball. Everybody would be as pumped up as they could to throw the shit out of those red balls at each other.

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Randy Newman once sang the lyrics,”You’ve got a friend in me. When the road looks rough ahead and you’re miles and miles from your nice warm bed, just remember what your old pal said - boy you’ve got a friend in me.”

Ah, what nice lyrics from such a nice song on the subject of the ever-so-important friendships that we all have in life. In another example, I’m sure that Paris Hilton many times has said, “I love my girlfriends” as she takes breaks between her snorts of blow in the bathroom stall of whatever night club she normally frequents¹.

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Springtime on campus means a few things. The excuse for not going to class because “the weather is just, OMG, so nice outside” is somehow valid. And the other thing is that there are campus tours everywhere.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy seeing these tours on a daily basis, and having them constantly in the way of wherever I want to go, but in reality I think there are some things that the tours fail to mention. You just kind of have to think about it a bit. Those who give the tours are there to represent the campus, and they do a fine job in their recruiting hopes. I, however, represent something much different than they do. That, of course, is me representing, well, me. So, grab your tote bags, your fanny packs, some sunscreen, and a whole lot of smiles, ’cause here we go on a tour of campus, the Mike Heimowitz way.

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Now you don’t have to just read my articles, but instead you can listen to them too! Can it get any easier?

 

 Mike's Guides - Do more than slick your hair for the next job fair [3:34m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

As a journalism major, I’m accustomed to a few things. These range from getting weird looks from people outside of San Luis Obispo when I tell them I’m not an engineering or architecture student even though I go to a “polytechnic” school, all the way to the lack of real studying that I have to do for my major courses.

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There was more on the line in the Georgetown versus Ohio State NCAA basketball game Saturday than I ever would have imagined. It came down to me not caring at all about the pools I was in and I really didn’t care at all about who I ended up beating.

While my bracket was good and still finished pretty well, it didn’t matter. There was one person that I needed to beat, had to beat, and if I didn’t beat, would haunt me for a good long time. But, low and behold, it was just a matter of seven points that crushed me, my ego, and my ability to smile for a good long time for the reason that I lost to my girlfriend.

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Let’s face it - the state of current television sucks. There is really no other way to say it. Our most popular shows are reality shows like “American Idol” and “Deal or No Deal,” and while these are forms of mindless entertainment¹, the art of the TV sitcom has surely been forgotten.

Gone are the days of good ol’ fashion crazy family hijinks. Don’t worry though, because with this “Guide to Life” we’ll get this problem under control, as a new sitcom will be born.

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There are only a few things that college students really spend a lot of time doing. One is procrastinating from doing anything productive like studying and the other is spending all day on facebook. Because of this, I feel that it is necessary to give you the Part 2 to your facebook addiction, to make sure that you are managing your time on facebook wisely. If you missed Part 1, hurry over to www.mustangdaily.com¹. While the tips in here are important, everything in Part 1 should still be followed as well.

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