www.mikeheimowitz.com

Many times, “Dead Week” really means nothing to Cal Poly students. Some might think it is a week where you pretty much are dead with exams and papers due, while others claim that it means that professors aren’t supposed to have anything due during the week. The real reason though, is quite apparent right now. That, of course, being that “Mike’s Guide to Life” is now officially dead. I know, it’s sad, but after 20-something articles, it must now come to a close. As you should know already, I am graduating next week and thus a new humor columnist will likely grace the pages of the Daily next school year. Who will it be? Who knows, but with this final “Guide to Life,” I’ll give you all that you need to know to be the next Mustang Daily Humor Columnist.

First things first, you should be somewhat funny. What makes things harder, is that right on the top of the page it says “Humor Column,” so people are going into your article expecting it to be funny. Your job, in 600-800 words, is to prove to your reader that you can indeed make him or her laugh. While it could be easy some of the time, for the most part you need to be ready to come up with a new topic every week of the year.

To do this, I suggest you think of either one person or a group of people, and make fun of them as much as possible. If you go back through my articles, you’ll notice that I have made fun of everyone from Jews to Republicans to Jews to facebook users to Jews to frat guys to Jews and so on. By doing this, you are able to get people to relate to you as you bash everyone as much as you possibly can. You must be cautious with this though. While you’ll have people on your side one week, you might be making fun of those same people the very next week.

To counter this, you must make sure that you spread the making fun somewhat evenly. For example, if you make fun of Ryan Seacrest one week, you probably shouldn’t make fun of San Francisco at all the next week. This, of course, is because then you would offend the gay population two weeks in a row, and it might be hard to get them back after writing those two articles so close together.

Moving on. There is a certain fame that will come from being a columnist. This usually means that one of your friends will have one roommate who once read your article. This person then might recognize you from your picture so stay humble, sign an autograph or two and really make sure that they stay your fan. Also, after writing your column for awhile, you’ll get people asking to be in your articles. This will range from putting in fake quotes by them, all the way to them doing dumb shit in attempts to reach out to you to put them in your article. Normally when people ask this, I’ll smile, and tell them that “I’ll try,” and never actually put them in. If I did mention people, it would be because their stuff was true, and I would never want to waste that 800-word limit on people who think they might be cool if they show up in an article.

The third thing I have, if you want to go this route, is to use footnotes¹. Pretty self-explanatory, but if you do it, make sure they are better than mine², or else you’ll just probably be accused of trying to be like me³.

The next thing would have to be your writing style. The biggest advice I could possibly give you is to write your columns however the hell you want. In what may seem confusing to some critics, humor columns don’t have to be strict English prose. Instead, write what you want and how you want it, just as long as you get your point across. If shit gets real bad, your editors will just clean it up anyway⁴.

Well, that is as much advice as I can give without actually writing your articles myself. Thanks if you read my articles. I appreciate it and good luck in the rest of your time at Cal Poly. If you’re graduating, get out of here and be/stay happy.

Love. Peace. I hope you laughed at least a bit over the last year and for those who asked to be in my articles, your time has now come⁵

As much as you can. [back]
Which is impossible. [back]
Also impossible. [back]
Thank you, Emily, Jenn, Angel and Giana. [back]
Ah, shit. Well, it would have been your time if that word limit didn’t hit again. Sorry! [back]

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Mike’s Guides: A guide to what I’ve learned in college

Mike Heimowitz — Fri, 01 Jun 2007 03:51:24 +0000

With just a few weeks left of school, I feel like it is important for me to reflect upon the four years that I spent at Cal Poly. Now that I am graduating, I feel like I should look back on the time I was here and think back on what I learned, as I can now use these things for the future.

Since you have been a loyal reader all school year long, I am fully ready to give you the tips that you need to know to make sure that your college experience is as good as it can be.

The reason most of us are here is for, well, the academic aspects of college¹. Fittingly, I’ll start off with one of the biggest things I’ve learned in college: to work really hard on at least one essay that you write your freshman year. This will do a few good things for you. First, it should earn you a good grade on your paper. Everyone loves the “A” that leads you to call your mom and then display on your dorm room mini fridge.

The second and more important reason to work hard on that first essay will prove to be very fruitful over the years. That reason is that once you have that nice, polished essay, you now can use this paper for as many other English class assignments that you can. Yes, that’s right. Every essay assignment that you can possibly stretch that one paper for you should. It was already proofread once, with comments from your freshman-year teacher, so milk it for all it’s worth².

My next tip to give you that I learned over the years is that nobody wants to hear what you say in class. Pretty much ever. Sort of take it as a rule of thumb that the larger the class, the less popular you will be if you raise your hand and ask your professor questions.

There should also be a rule here that you must never raise your hand to comment on anything within the last 10 minutes of class. Normally, this is when the professor is wrapping up, and truthfully, many times is trying to get out of class as much as you are. So, raising your hand is not only going to piss off your classmates, but also piss off the professor. Talk to your teacher after he lets everyone leave if you really have to ask whatever question you have.

The third thing is directed towards you ladies. That would have to be to not feel like you have to play into fashion trends. This is not me telling you not to believe the media³, but rather, I think it is important to stop and actually look at yourself in the mirror before going out wearing some of the more “fashionable” things.

For example, my great aunt Sylvia is a pretty stereotypical New York to Florida Jew. Think Mike Myers’ old character on “Coffee Talk” from “Saturday Night Live.” Basically, she is the personification of the word “gaudy.” I love her for being family and all around she is great, but that doesn’t mean you have to wear the same sunglasses as her. Yeah, I’m talking about the huge black ones that cover up your face.

I’m not sure why older people wear these glasses, but I’ll guess the glasses have something to do with sun protection. You are somewhere between what, 18 and 22? Just stop wearing the glasses. I won’t love you like my great aunt Sylvia if you do. If those glasses are for sun protection, maybe you should just stop spending so much time in the tanning salons instead.

On the topic of fashion, guys, popping your collar isn’t cool unless being called a “total douche” is cool to you. If that is the case, then pop your collar as much as you want.

Lastly, I’m going to talk sports. See, I can talk sports, but that is because I feel like I’m somewhat knowledgeable about them. I wouldn’t talk sports, and you shouldn’t either, if you have no idea what is going on with them. As a safe way to go, you should probably not try to pronounce any name you aren’t quite sure how to say⁴, and you probably shouldn’t talk every two seconds while watching whatever sport. Just simple things to make the world a better place.

Well that does it for another Guide to Life. I hope with these important tips, your life here at Cal Poly will be a good one. Love and peace and I’ll see you all for one last time next week.

Oh sorry, except for you, college boy, who just wants to chill with your broskis while sipping brews or whatever. [back]
I actually have been repurposing every article this year from a column I had back in elementary school called, “Michael’s Guide to The Huge World (FART).” [back]
Since I myself will be when I graduate. [back]
I.e. don’t try talking about hockey. [back]

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