UDPATE 4/15 5:59pm: Here is lunch of Day 7
UPDATE 4/14 9:58am: Here is breakfast of Day 6
UPDATE 4/13 2:34pm: Here is lunch of Day 5
UPDATE 4/12 7:55pm: Here is lunch of Day 4
UPDATE 4/11 9:02pm: Here is dinner of Day 3
UPDATE 4/11 2:00pm: Here is lunch of Day 3
UPDATE 4/10 10:00pm: Here is dinner of Day 2
UPDATE 4/10 2:09pm: Here is lunch of Day 2
UPDATE 4/9 2:04pm: Here is lunch of Day 1
UPDATE 4/9 11:36am: Here is breakfast of Day 1
It was almost midnight last night when I got home and I was still basking in the glory of yesterday evening. It was a night of laughing, of family, of friendship, and most importantly Jewishness. The Passover Seder, or dinner, is something that happens once a year, and is meant to bring family and friends together to celebrate one of the traditional silly stories.
To be brief if you don’t know the story, it has something to do with Moses and his homeboy and homegirl (1) Jews. This dude Pharaoh wanted to get rid of all the Jews (2). God was pretty pissed about this and started going all crazy on everyone dropping down frogs and rain and God knows what else (3). Well, God was at least cool with the Jews though and was like, “Hey take some lamb blood and smear it on your door. Then I’ll know that you guys are Jewish and I won’t kill your first born son” That’s where the name “Passover” comes ya’ll. (4) So to make a long story short, Pharaoh gets pissed, chases the Jews, Moses splits the red sea, everyone runs through it, then when Pharaoh and his cronies are in danger, BAM, Moses makes the water come back to normal and it drowns everyone but Moses and the Jews.
(1) According to Microsoft Word, homeboy is a word but homegirl isn’t. That is SEXIST. Right Dana? (Feminist Studies major)
(2) Hitler was such a copy cat
(3) Oh wait God literally knew. OMG OMG OMG knew.
(4) Seriously though, OH MY GOD God. You crazy. I like you but you crazy.
Now of course any conspiracy theorist is like, “Wait wait wait, you’re telling me that Jews would be able to run away from anyone? That’s preposterous.” But, that’s how the story goes.
Now that you know the story, let’s get to the Seder that goes with the first night of Passover. Now, if you haven’t been to one before, let me just say they are all kinds of awesome. I’ve been to Seders my parents have put on, and Seders my parents ‘friends have put on, and the last two years Seders that my friends’ families have put on. The great thing about them is that they are all exactly the same.
It’s guaranteed there will be corny Jewish jokes, corny political jokes, outdated jokes the parents have with the kids to try to stay relevant (5), and a friend or family member who has drank one too many glasses of wine who is making inappropriate and uncomfortable jokes.
(5) Last night’s included Chuck Norris jokes. COME ON that is so 2007.
You might be thinking to yourself, great, wow, hooray for Passover. Now what the hell is the point of this article? Well you see, I left out one important part of the Passover story which ties in nicely to a Guide to Life. That part being that while Moses was leading his people, they didn’t have time for the bread they were making to rise. Instead, they were forced to eat this unleavened crap that is called Matzoh.
If you haven’t had it before, go take the worst cracker you ever had, then double the blandness. You do that yet? Good. Double the blandness again. And ok how about you double the blandness once more for good measure (6). Then pretend that if you bite into that cracker, the whole thing would instantly crumble. Again, conspiracy theorists are like, “Hey WAAA??? This can’t be a real story. The Jews would try to eat it, then they wouldn’t like it, then whine and complain so much to Moses that he would have HAD TO stop to make sure that bread was made.”
(6) That’s right. That’s something like 8 times the blandness of the most bland cracker you can think of.
But, the way the story goes, is yes, the Jews were stuck with Matzoh, and for some reason we must suffer for a week every year during Passover because of it. That suffering is that we are not able to eat anything with the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye), just like how it was for Moses and his people. Basically, no bread, nothing that rises, and really anything that tastes good is not allowed. If it were up to me, we would DOUBLE our bread intake to make up for the bread that wasn’t eaten back then, but hey if I were in charge literally EVERYTHING in this world would be better. (7)
(7) These articles are a start to that better world.
So, while I don’t usually follow the rules for Passover, this year I will do it for you, my reader, and chronicle what I eat every day. Yes, that’s right we will do this kosher thing together, as I will post pictures and descriptions of my meals daily to make sure that you know what you can and can’t eat.
The one and only rule will be to include Matzoh in every meal. We can do this. I know you believe in me and I believe in you.(8)
(8) Oh what? You’re not Jewish? Just do it with me anyways. You’ve already invested enough time in this.
Make sure to check back later today and every day for the next 7 days. You won’t be disappointed with what I’ll call “The Seriously I Just Want Some Bread Project.”
Grab a box of Matzoh, and let’s do this one for Moses.
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