Mike's Guide to Life

Love baseball…or not (you terrorist.)

To me, springtime means flowers blooming, birds chirping, and spring-cleaning.  Sorry, let me cut the crap and start over (1).  To me, springtime means baseball and baseball only (2).  Now you might have started reading just these first two sentences and thought, “Hey Mike, is your article about baseball?  I know NOTHING about baseball and to tell you the truth I think I want you to teach me about flowers, birds, and cleaning instead.  Also, I am a beautiful girl who is single and likes guys who write topical humor columns every week for who knows, who is actually reading but you write it anyways.”

(1) Cause come on, I’m a MAN and I write about MANLY things.   (IE American Idol.  A Patriotic Primer)

(2) Oh and my Golden State Warriors having another losing season.  That one is basketball, not baseball.  Stay with me here people.

My answer to this is two-fold.  One, yes, I’m talking about baseball, and two come on girl, let me get your numba.

The thing though, is that baseball is more than just, “see ball, hit ball” and rather much more complicated.  This Guide though isn’t intended to teach you the ins and outs of baseball (3), but rather to give you just enough information to sound coherent amidst talks of baseball.

(3) Check out my fellow Cal Poly Journalist Ryan Quintana for that kind of sports info.

The first point you can make in any baseball conversation is concerning a problem BIGGER (4) than Owen Wilson’s nose, yet it causes something smaller than Michael Jackson’s nose (5).  Of course, as you may nose, I mean know, I’m talking the usage of, and side effects of, steroids.

(4) That’s right!  Bigger!

(5) That’s right!  Smaller!

So, you’re at a family function where there are burgers and hot dogs grilling, the sound of beverage cans beings popped open, and just an all around good, happy, American time.  A “Barbecue” if you will.

Everything is going well, until your grandpa pulls you over and starts talking about the glory days of baseball.  All of a sudden, you start panicking.  You love your grandpa, but how the hell will you connect with him?

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Breathe in.  We’re going to get through this together.

All you have to do, is throw the simple line of, “Yeah, it’s really sad that all players are using steroids now grandpa.”

Now be warned, you have just opened the floodgates of conversation.  In fact, your grandpa is probably pissed off at this point (6) but that’s ok.  As he goes on to talk about how he remembers the game being, “as pure as the first time he met your grandmother,” while it’s disgusting, he will enjoy the fact that you showed time to talk about baseball even a bit.

(6) Maybe the only kind of pissing he’s done in weeks, but that’s a whole other subject.

Truth though, and without me being too preachy or anything, whether you have a favorite team, or can merely just name one or two teams, it is guaranteed that any baseball organization you can name has (or had) guys taking steroids.  Time to move on.

You might hear your friends say stuff like, “No doubt about it, the (insert favorite team) are going to win it all this year.”

When they say this, simply tell them, “Oh come on, who picked the PHILLIES and RAYS to even make it to the World Series.”  If you have no idea what I’m talking about, that’s ok (7).  Just by saying that, you really won’t get any sort of coherent response back, likely crushing his or her hopes for the upcoming baseball season.

(7) The Tampa Bay Rays lost to the Philadelphia Phillies in the World Series last year.  Nobody saw that coming.  Not even you Mr. Baseball Genius.

The reality of it is that baseball is less predictable than who will be voted off next in  “Dancing with Stars.”(8)

(8) See? Look I just want us to relate to the same things you know?

Lastly, if someone brings up baseball, ask him how his fantasy baseball team is doing.  Every baseball fan has a fantasy baseball team, and every baseball fan loves to talk about his team.  Truth is, all you have to do is ask this question, then nod and smile through the explanation that you are about to receive.

“Well, Josh Hamilton is a little cold but he’s going to turn things around,” He’ll say. “I mean my pitching is SOLID and once my bats get going I’ll be unstoppable.”    You don’t have to know what any of this means, but if you sit back and sacrifice a bit of time and incoherence, you’ll be appreciated.

If you REALLY want to impress, you can ask if he has porn loving Hideki Matsui or hooker loving Alex Rodriguez on his team.  These are two facts that even HE might not know, as he’s too busy geeking out over stats rather than paying attention to these guys in real life. (9)

(9) Hideki Matsui and porn.  Alex Rodriguez and hookers.  Porn and hookers.  Porn and hookers.  Porn and hoo…hey wait did I mention I was single ladies?

Well that does it for another Guide to Life.  As always, I hope you learned something.

Love, peace and see you next week.

Learn to use your cell phone. Finally.

When I was young, there were a couple things that annoyed me.  Don’t get me wrong here,  I can remember many happy times about the past, but for now, I will focus on some stuff that really just wasn’t the best for me.

For one, buying jeans was always trouble.  My mom called me, “husky” instead of, “fat,” which in retrospect I’m not sure is nicer, but I digress. The annoyance with jeans is that I had to get a large waist and short length.  Not easy.  I think we found the trick to be JC Penny as my pretty much sole jean provider. (1)

(1) No thanks to you Mervyn’s and Ross.  Although it’s probably better that I never was able to buy Stussy and Mossimo jeans.

Another annoyance that I had was running.  I was always the kid who would lag behind in PE class warm-ups and surely would be walking by lap two of the mile. (2)

(2) I’m just a powerhouse now though.

The third annoyance was that with my chubby cheeks and overall “husky” kid syndrome, was that I embarrassed easily.  When I got embarrassed, it was also easy to tell.  Red in the face, would stutter, etc. etc.

Now, these are all things that for the most part I have battled.  I still get red easily, but hey, I can live with that.  As far as cosmetics go, things are all good.

Today though, I have a problem that is much different than the previous problems mentioned.  The underlying problem though, is that there isn’t really much I can do to combat this new problem but to write a Guide to Life to try to teach you the ways to use your cell phone in a way that can be peaceful to the rest of the society.

Let’s break down these annoyances.

The first, is that if you aren’t in a car, you shouldn’t be allowed to use a hands-free headset.  Period.  I don’t care if you are in the supermarket and have your hands full, or if you are walking down the street with a briefcase in one hand a double-non-fat-soy-frap–light-on-the-whip-don’t-ever-order-such-a-drink-anyways is in the other.  Just don’t do it.  Unless you want to make your fellow homeless man feel like he fits in because it appears as if you are talking to yourself, (3) hold the phone to your ear.

(3) As documented in this wonderful piece I created a few years ago:

On second thought, if you are in any sort of line at all, whether it be the supermarket, or bank, or fast food restaurant or whatever, you aren’t allowed to use your cell phone.  At all.  For one, you’re holding up the line, and two, nobody cares about what you’re saying on the phone.

The second annoyance that I have, and it is a big one, might sadden you.  This is that you don’t talk about your iphone.  Look, it is great that you can wave it around and make a light saber noise, or flick it back and forth with a virtual lighter on the screen looking like its lit, or that has an accelerometer (4).  Here are the cold hard facts though about your iphone.  I understand that you paid some high price for it and pay a huge monthly fee.  Great. Yes.  Got it.  That doesn’t justify you showing me these useless apps though.

(4) Seriously don’t care you nerd.

I don’t want to shut you out completely from the world though.  I have no problems with you finding other iphone users and geeking away to your hearts content, but the fact that my phone makes calls, sends texts, checks email, and is used for the occasional Google map or calendar is all I need.  Seriously.  Enjoy your iphone and whatever dumb tricks it can do on your own.

Lastly, there is the issue of voice mails vs. texts.  I’ll try to break down the rules for you pretty simply.  If you haven’t talked to someone in say one or two weeks, a voicemail is fine to leave.  If you are my mom, dad, grandma, aunt or uncle, a voicemail is also fine to leave (5).  If you want to tell me how great I am and how much you miss me and care about me, sure spill your guts on a voicemail.  That’s about it.

Otherwise text.

(5) They don’t know how to text.

The reason is simple.  Pretty much, 80% of all voicemails are for the most part useless.  It is much quicker to read that you should call someone, rather than listening to them babble on and on by way of voicemail.  Unless you are say, Anderson Cooper, and are completely articulate and to the point, don’t embarrass yourself by leaving a voicemail.
You now know my annoying times from the past (6), and how not to annoy me or anyone else in the future.

Love, peace, and I’ll see you here next week.

(6) As documented in this not wonderful piece I was in a few years ago:

American Idol. A patriotic primer

I don’t get it.  I just don’t.  Yes, I write a column every week guiding you through the do’s and don’t of life, but I won’t ever understand American Idol.  It is in something like its 15th season (1), and I must admit,  I am embarrassed to say I have seen about three episodes of this show total.  No, I’m not embarrassed that I’ve only seen three episodes of such a popular show, but rather that I actually have sat through three episodes.

(1) Don’t care quite enough to look that up.

I realize I am really putting myself out there for even admitting that, as not only is my sexuality probably being questioned because of this, but also because admitting that I have only seen three episodes of this show puts me on alert to the US government. I can whole heartedly say though, that NO, I am not a terrorist for only watching three episodes of this show, and must be a part of the elite few who aren’t a terrorist and don’t like American Idol (2).

(2) Bring on the fireworks and hamburgers. USA USA

Just because I have barely seen the show though, doesn’t mean I can’t give you the necessary information you need to know about this program that is currently on TV each week.

First things first.  As American as American Idol is, it features some of America’s finest as the judges.  This of course being head by the American, no wait British, Simon Cowell.  Wait, sorry.  That one made my brain hurt a bit.  Apparently though, the best judge of American singers, isn’t even from America.  Rather, he is a smarmy British man with tight black t-shirts.

If that isn’t terrorism at work, a British dude at the helm of AMERICAN Idol, I don’t know what is.  But I digress.

He of course is joined by Randy Jackson, and the 20-years-too-old-to-be-relevant and 3-million-too –many-pills -ingested -to -know -where -she -is Paula Abdul.  My fondest memories of Paula Abdul were probably when my sister would play Paula’s “Straight Up” over and over again, never letting me play my favorite MC Hammer tape on our cassette player (3).  While I couldn’t stand Paula on loop back then, I actually now quite enjoy her loopy (4) personality now.  It shows that even drug addicts can make millions of dollars annually.

(3) Yes, kiddies on the internet.  A cassette player.  Go wiki it or google it or whatever you do for research of the past

(4) Looped song and loopy personality.  SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!?!? Keep up with me here people.

That my friends, is what the American dream is all about.  Thankfully she is there to balance out Cowell’s pure douchebaggery as a Brit who thinks he’s better than us (5.)

(5) But he’s NOT.  Come on people yell it with me USA USA USA SHOW ME THE MONEY USA USA

Lastly, apparently there is some new judge lady too.  Probably useless yadda yadda.
Now on to this year’s remaining contestants.  For the extensive research that I will provide to you, no, I’m not going to watch the show, but instead give you a rundown from American Idol’s website.  While the show to me is unbearable, just having the American Idol website open can provide hours of questioning from my roommates if they see that I’m on the site (6.)

(6) Must. Remember. To. Erase. Browser. History.

So, based on what America thinks is most important in people, their looks (7) I’ll breakdown a few of the contestants.

(7) And whatever BS they have on their bio pages.

For starters, there are Danny, Chris, Matt, and Michael.  Again, not knowing anything but what is on the website, I’ll safely assume that these four are totally disappointed that the boy band phase has passed.  I’m talking like more disappointed than that one or two girls who wanted to marry Clay Aiken and somehow didn’t know he was gay before he came out of the closet.

Then there is Adam.  I don’t actually understand how Adam can be a contestant.  I would think that as a member of the Jonas Brothers, that Adam can’t ALSO be competing in American Idol.

There’s a contestant named Lil?  I’m not going to say she’s a token black contestant still on the show or anything.  Nope.  Won’t go there.  Oh wait, her name is Lil Rounds? Ehh I’ll just leave that one alone.

Scott to me seems intriguing.  I saw the video on the site of him singing.  Sure, I give the guy props for being a blind man and doing what he is doing, but let me ask you this America…Why the standing ovations? I’m going to try to be PC as I ask this, but like really,  he HEARS the clapping.  He can’t SEE you standing.  I suppose at the end of his performance, someone can tell him he got a standing O, but if he doesn’t get one, do you REALLY think that someone would tell him that?

Lastly, there is my favorite, the happy-go-lucky looking Anoop.  The great thing Anoop has going for him, is most likely half of America must think he is the star of Slumdog Millionaire, which will surely keep his popularity at an absolute high.

So, there you have it.  You can now thank me for giving you the proper knowledge about American Idol, so you too can sound relevant and like a true patriot to your friends and this country.

Sandwich Restaurant Etiquette

As a college graduate of only a few years ago, I still must live rather cheaply.  While yes, I am working, no, I don’t make enough money to go crazy every night meal wise (1).  Basically, I go to work, and then on my way home I go to grab what I think is one of the greatest deals ever.  The five-dollar footlong.  If you don’t know what I mean (2), let’s just say it comes from a pretty popular food chain.

(1) Or crazy any other way.  Unless going home and talking to my mom and dad on AIM is a crazy night.

(2) No, not some sort of purchase at a Saigon whore house

I realize I shouldn’t say the name of the chain because of any sort of legal ramifications, so I will simply use the completely ambiguous name “Underground Public Transportation.”

Now you might be thinking, “Mike, what can you possibly say about Underground Public Transportation?”  Well my friend, it is simple.  You see, while Underground Public Transportation is almost as popular as a fat kid right about to jump off a high dive, there are certain ways people are messing this all up.

Don’t worry though.  As always, I’m here for you to guide you through proper Underground Public Transportation etiquette.

First things first and I can’t stress this one enough.  Basically, people are making mistakes before they even set foot in the store.  This of course being that no matter what car you drive and of what social status you would like to be in, absolutely do not park your car backwards in a space in front of Underground Public Transportation.  The reasons are simple and twofold.  One, if you’re driving such a nice car that you have to pull it in backwards, you probably can afford a meal from somewhere nicer.  Two, if your social status is so high, you probably can afford a meal from somewhere nicer. (3)

(3) Sorry and three, you are an A-hole.

Next thing is something that might be hard to grasp, but it is for the most part true.  That being that even though the sandwiches are great, every single sandwich from Underground Public Transportation tastes exactly the same.  That’s right.  Want the turkey?  It tastes like rubber.  How about roast beef?  Rubber.  Meatball?  Rubber covered in salty marinara sauce.  If you really like the rubbery goodness, I’d suggest the chicken breast sandwich, which is rubber in between two pieces of more rubber.

With that said, there should be a rule not to take more than I don’t know 20 seconds to decide what you want on your sandwich.  They. All. Taste. The. Same.

To really go deeper into this, you by no circumstances are ever, EVER allowed to call someone who you’re getting a sandwich for asking him what he wants. This is because well, if you want a sandwich from Underground Public Transportation, you likely don’t have time for something better and surely don’t want to spend all evening waiting for your sandwich.  That, and Underground Public Transportation isn’t good or unique enough where you should be picky receiving one of the sandwiches, so calling someone about what kind of sandwich he wants is pointless.

Everyone must and will enjoy all of its five-dollar glory, and not worry about anything else.

We are at a recession here people.  You can’t be complaining about literally anything that can feed you for five dollars. (4)

(4) And don’t make me bring up the Saigon whore thing again.

Well that does it for another Mike’s Guide to Life.  Feel free now that you’re done reading, to go make a trip to your local Underground Public Transportation, now equipped with the necessary advice to do so.

How to avoid small talk at work

The work life can be extremely challenging.  Not only do you face rigorous hours, difficult tasks, and a pressure to get responsibilities done, but also certain daunting occurrences that happen just about every single day.  No silly, I’m not talking about what to do with your boredom after you seemingly have gone to every website on the internet (1), but rather, dealing with small talk.

(1) Which includes Facebook most of the time

You see, in reality, pretty much everyone at your work place goes through the same usual routines.  For me, it includes getting to work and having an energy bar (2), having a bowl of cereal, filling up my water bottle (3), and sitting down at my desk for most of the day to get my work done.

(2) I’m talking pure PROTEIN baby.

(3) That’s right ladies, not only healthy, but also eco friendly.

While it would be great if most of the time I could do my work in peace, my day is often interrupted by talk with people in the office who frankly, I don’t always care to talk to.  For one, this small talk is usually boring, two, it’s usually not exciting, and three, I’m boring myself just thinking about this small talk in general.

But fear not.  Like in all my Guides to Life, there is a way to combat this small talk.  You are a baby bird on a rainy day, and I will flap my wings of pure wisdom to you, to nurture you to safety and peace of mind from all your troubles. (4)

(4) Healthy, eco friendly, and god damn poetic.

First things first my friend.  You can’t combat small talk unless you know what the hell it is.  To tell though is easy.  Ask yourself a few questions.  Do you want to be talking to him or her in the first place?  Do you normally talk to this person for over two minutes?  And then most importantly, do you give any kind of shit at all to what he or she is talking about?  Likely, you’ll just need any combination of those 2 questions to be true, and it’s small talk.

So, here’s the scenario.  You’re calmly and peacefully filling up your water bottle, when BAM, as cliché as “water cooler talk” can possibly be, a coworker comes up and starts talking to you.  Usually it is about the weather or what you’re wearing or the weekend or something else insignificant.  Like I said before, most small talk you don’t care about at all, so really who knows what the hell it is even about.

You now notice that the conversation has evolved.  As it escalates, the person you are talking to now though has started talking about some sort of idea or observation that is so bland that your mind starts to panic.  Oh shit, what the hell are you going to do?  You have no idea AT ALL about what is being talked about.

Fear not.  You don’t have to know.  There are a few options to get out of this.

The easiest and nicest way is to just be totally unresponsive.  Someone talking to you can only explain so much if all you are doing is nodding your head.  The key though, is that you don’t ask questions no matter what.  No “explain this…” or “what about this…” and definitely don’t say “wait, can you go over this again?”  Fact is, while he is boring as hell, you will be beating him at his own game of pin-the-tail-on-the-I-am-completely-bored-talking-to-you-game (5).  You see, while you’re being rude for acting totally uninterested, in reality, the person talking to you will just get so bored with the situation too that he’ll have to give up. Crisis averted.

(5) OR  “Ring around the who gives a shit” OR  “Duck, duck, seriously what?” OR “Hide and go seek out literally anything more exciting than you”

Another way to get out of small talk is a little more direct verbally, and will stop the other person fairly quickly.  You tell them a simple, “That’s crazy,” while just giving a slight head nod back and forth.  You can simultaneously fill more water into your cup or bottle too if you feel so inclined (6)

(6) Remember: Don’t fill more water in if it will cause overflow.

Saying that simple phrase shows that you were paying attention, but also abruptly ends the talk with affirmation that you get what they are saying.  If you’re like me though, you must listen to a few key words and phrases as to where “That’s crazy” might not be appropriate.  This includes any mention of the words “abortion,” “gay rights,” and “Nazi” to name a few.  Just use your discretion with this one.

On the flipside, any mention of things like “rain,” “long work days” or “I want there to be a Sister Act 3” definitely gets a “That’s crazy” response which will totally get you of that situation.

The last thing you can do, which is the most drastic, is to pretend like you’re getting a phone call.  Either reach down to your pocket and grab your phone like its ringing, or throw a hail mary (7) and try this move:

(7) Healthy, eco friendly, poetic, and into sports.  Sign me up to be the next Bachelor, I know.

First, with your left hand, put up your pointer finger as if to say, “Hold on.” Then, with your right hand, take your pointer finger and press the tip to your ear like you have the worlds smallest Bluetooth earpiece in and have just taken a call. Then, simply start talking like you’re on the phone, and run the hell away.  Fast.  Cell phone calls for whatever reason always trump normal conversation, so while the Bluetooth method is drastic, this one can work.

Well, that does it for another rousing edition of Mike’s Guide to Life. Like always, I hope you learned something and now are fully equipped to avoid that small talk.

Love and peace till next Thursday.

Is your facebook addiction properly fed? part III

The basic definition (1) of the Internet is a vast series of tubes and servers and other servers and other tubes and mice on wheels that comprise to make up a series of “websites.”  These “websites” are made up of logarithms, numbers, duct tape, and good ol’ fashion elbow grease that serve as a link for the consumer to the data in which the user is trying to access.  Many times, this data in which the user is trying to access specifically is comprised of a network of people who decide to pretty much have decided to simultaneously connect with one another while completely annoying the shit out of each other.

(1) If you’re reading this for advice, then my definition must be true.

While much of that introductory paragraph was complete and total BS, the last sentence, in all its cockamamie glory surely holds true.

This being that facebook.com is a website that many people live and die over while trying to connect to one another, but also pissing one another off at the same time.

But, fear not, because there are ways to not totally annoy everyone in the world while you use this website.

Now before we really dive in here, if you don’t know what facebook is, I’m surprised you are on the internet in the first place.  With that said, coming to my site before anything else though on the web is as good a starting point that I can think of.  Seriously though, my mom is on facebook so what the hell are you doing with your life if you don’t know what it is? As primers to facebook, or if you are new to my site (2), go ahead and read part 1 and part 2 that I wrote on the subject of facebook.

(2) Get your life together.

First things first.  Applications for the most part are absolutely and utterly ridiculous. There are a few types of Applications that seem to always appear no matter how many times I block them. For one, yes, I care (3) about stuff like the rainforests, but no, clicking a tree or an easter egg or patch of grass or whatever the hell those applications ask will not do anything.  Well, anything except help add to our eventual carpal tunnel syndrome that we will all be getting sometime down the road.  Facebook isn’t the only culprit to add to carpel tunnel, but it sure as hell won’t help if we’re clicking a magic rabbit or slightly homosexual tree to help fight rainforests, or global warming, or aids or whatever the hell those “causes applications” are asking for.

(3) Somewhat

If you do feel so inclined to have those applications on your profile, try keeping those to yourself (4), and try to make yourself feel better that YOU single handedly will be stopping world hunger by sitting at your computer clicking on these applications all day long.

(4) Seriously mom how many times do I have to reject these

On the same line as applications, I don’t care to throw drinks at you or be a part of your ninja clan or superpoke you (5), so you probably shouldn’t ask me or anyone else(6).

(5) Mom, really I don’t even know what that means and I’m sure you don’t either.

(6) and if you accept one of these from my Mom I will find you. And hurt you.

Moving on.  Privacy settings are important for the world of facebook.  A few reasons deal with this.  One, you surely have that one classmate or person at your work or family member (7) who has added you on facebook against your will.  While you can reject him or her, sometimes it might be better to accept the request because well, you might have to see this person every day (8).  Make sure that any and all things you want them to see are allowed in the privacy tab of your settings, and that you block seriously anything that can be close to incriminating towards you or your friends or your reputation (9).

(7) Ok, seriously.  Why?  I’m going to ask politely.  Why Mom are you on facebook?!?!

(8) OR BE HER SON. COME ON ALREADY WHYYYY?!? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHYYYYY???

(9) If your profile is like mine, pretty much everything should be blocked.

Lastly, nobody cares what you’re doing at every waking moment, so changing your status to say that you are “excited to get out of a meeting” or “running errands” or “going outside” is probably showing your friends that you are the dullest person that they know.  If you really must change your status, make it be something important, like how funny I am, or how much you love me and my articles, or how great this guide was. (10)

(10) Can always count on you for this one though mom.

Thanks for taking time away from facebook to read this.  With the above tips, your life is that much closer to perfection.

Well, along with joining this *cough* inconspicuous link 1 *cough* and saying hi on this *cough* inconspicuous link 2 *cough cough*

A guide to “Mike’s Guide”

When Al Gore created the internet, I am quite sure his intent wasn’t for the net to be filled with porn, facebook, porn, and more porn.  However, that is exactly what the internet has become.  It is a place for dirty images, dirty video, and lists of 25 things that nobody gives a shit about.  The state of the internet is at a grave point good readers, but fear not, you have now truly entered a new world of Change.

That’s right.  Mike’s Guide to Life is here on the internet, to guide you through all facets of life you may encounter.  Each and every Thursday, I will be here for you with a new topic on life and a new article to keep your life on track.

Breathe.  I’m here for you.  We’re going to get through this “life” thing together, one article at a time.

You’ll notice a few things about this website already.  One, is that there are 20 or so articles already posted here.  If you’re new to Mike’s Guide to Life… then God help you.  But really, if you are new, your life likely is in more disarray than you ever could have known.  Deep breath.  Go back and read those articles that were originally written for Cal Poly San Luis Obispo’s The Mustang Daily.  It was a few  years ago that I wrote those, but much of the lessons taught in those articles still hold up today.

On the subject of those past articles, since they were written for a newspaper, I had editors.  With editors, they decided to “fix my horrible grammar skills” or “censor language that they didn’t seem fit” or “tell me, ‘Mike, you are a racist.”  Those days are over though, as the language, subjects, and grammar are likely to all be entirely incorrect in many ways.  Seriously though, get an oxygen mask or respirator or something, because everything will be OK.

I will teach.  You will learn.  Your life will be instantly better.

Here is another thing to keep of note.  Mainly, you’ll notice here (1) that I have what I’ll call “paragraph notes” instead of footnotes.  Since I care about you and don’t want you to scroll up and down the page over and over again, I will use these paragraph notes for details that don’t normally fit within the text of these articles.  So, like if I said something true like, “I’m sitting here typing this in bed, like I type most my articles half naked (2),” the paragraph note will explain certain things further.

(1) Here.

(2) I’ll let you guess/think about/dream about which half.

Another big difference between writing for a newspaper and writing for the internet, is now you have the power to share this guidance with all your friends.  As shameless as this sounds, click the share button and post on facebook or digg, email articles, subscribe to the feed of these articles.  Basically, love these articles and they will love you back. (3)

(3) In a totally hetero kind of way.  Sorry fellas.  Hello ladies.

My reader, that does it for this article.  You, and the rest of the internet are about to experience what life is all about and the true reason the information superhighway is here, one article at a time.

In Gore (4) We Trust.

(4) and Mike Heimowitz

A guide to writing your own humor column

This article was originally published in the June 5th, 2007 edition of The Mustang Daily

Many times, “Dead Week” really means nothing to Cal Poly students. Some might think it is a week where you pretty much are dead with exams and papers due, while others claim that it means that professors aren’t supposed to have anything due during the week. The real reason though, is quite apparent right now. That, of course, being that “Mike’s Guide to Life” is now officially dead. I know, it’s sad, but after 20-something articles, it must now come to a close. As you should know already, I am graduating next week and thus a new humor columnist will likely grace the pages of the Daily next school year. Who will it be? Who knows, but with this final “Guide to Life,” I’ll give you all that you need to know to be the next Mustang Daily Humor Columnist.

First things first, you should be somewhat funny. What makes things harder, is that right on the top of the page it says “Humor Column,” so people are going into your article expecting it to be funny. Your job, in 600-800 words, is to prove to your reader that you can indeed make him or her laugh. While it could be easy some of the time, for the most part you need to be ready to come up with a new topic every week of the year.

To do this, I suggest you think of either one person or a group of people, and make fun of them as much as possible. If you go back through my articles, you’ll notice that I have made fun of everyone from Jews to Republicans to Jews to facebook users to Jews to frat guys to Jews and so on. By doing this, you are able to get people to relate to you as you bash everyone as much as you possibly can. You must be cautious with this though. While you’ll have people on your side one week, you might be making fun of those same people the very next week.

To counter this, you must make sure that you spread the making fun somewhat evenly. For example, if you make fun of Ryan Seacrest one week, you probably shouldn’t make fun of San Francisco at all the next week. This, of course, is because then you would offend the gay population two weeks in a row, and it might be hard to get them back after writing those two articles so close together.

Moving on. There is a certain fame that will come from being a columnist. This usually means that one of your friends will have one roommate who once read your article. This person then might recognize you from your picture so stay humble, sign an autograph or two and really make sure that they stay your fan. Also, after writing your column for awhile, you’ll get people asking to be in your articles. This will range from putting in fake quotes by them, all the way to them doing dumb shit in attempts to reach out to you to put them in your article. Normally when people ask this, I’ll smile, and tell them that “I’ll try,” and never actually put them in. If I did mention people, it would be because their stuff was true, and I would never want to waste that 800-word limit on people who think they might be cool if they show up in an article.

The third thing I have, if you want to go this route, is to use footnotes (1). Pretty self-explanatory, but if you do it, make sure they are better than mine (2), or else you’ll just probably be accused of trying to be like me (3).

(1) As much as you can.

(2) Which is impossible.

(3) Also impossible.

The next thing would have to be your writing style. The biggest advice I could possibly give you is to write your columns however the hell you want. In what may seem confusing to some critics, humor columns don’t have to be strict English prose. Instead, write what you want and how you want it, just as long as you get your point across. If shit gets real bad, your editors will just clean it up anyway (4).

(4) Thank you, Emily, Jenn, Angel and Giana.

Well, that is as much advice as I can give without actually writing your articles myself. Thanks if you read my articles. I appreciate it and good luck in the rest of your time at Cal Poly. If you’re graduating, get out of here and be/stay happy.

Love. Peace. I hope you laughed at least a bit over the last year and for those who asked to be in my articles, your time has now come (5).

(5) Ah, shit. Well, it would have been your time if that word limit didn’t hit again. Sorry!

A guide to what I’ve learned in college

This article was originally published in the May 29th, 2007 edition of The Mustang Daily

With just a few weeks left of school, I feel like it is important for me to reflect upon the four years that I spent at Cal Poly. Now that I am graduating, I feel like I should look back on the time I was here and think back on what I learned, as I can now use these things for the future.

Since you have been a loyal reader all school year long, I am fully ready to give you the tips that you need to know to make sure that your college experience is as good as it can be.

The reason most of us are here is for, well, the academic aspects of college (1). Fittingly, I’ll start off with one of the biggest things I’ve learned in college: to work really hard on at least one essay that you write your freshman year. This will do a few good things for you. First, it should earn you a good grade on your paper. Everyone loves the “A” that leads you to call your mom and then display on your dorm room mini fridge.

(1) Oh sorry, except for you, college boy, who just wants to chill with your broskis while sipping brews or whatever.

The second and more important reason to work hard on that first essay will prove to be very fruitful over the years. That reason is that once you have that nice, polished essay, you now can use this paper for as many other English class assignments that you can. Yes, that’s right. Every essay assignment that you can possibly stretch that one paper for you should. It was already proofread once, with comments from your freshman-year teacher, so milk it for all it’s worth (2).

(2) I actually have been repurposing every article this year from a column I had back in elementary school called, “Michael’s Guide to The Huge World (FART).”

My next tip to give you that I learned over the years is that nobody wants to hear what you say in class. Pretty much ever. Sort of take it as a rule of thumb that the larger the class, the less popular you will be if you raise your hand and ask your professor questions.

There should also be a rule here that you must never raise your hand to comment on anything within the last 10 minutes of class. Normally, this is when the professor is wrapping up, and truthfully, many times is trying to get out of class as much as you are. So, raising your hand is not only going to piss off your classmates, but also piss off the professor. Talk to your teacher after he lets everyone leave if you really have to ask whatever question you have.

The third thing is directed towards you ladies. That would have to be to not feel like you have to play into fashion trends. This is not me telling you not to believe the media (3), but rather, I think it is important to stop and actually look at yourself in the mirror before going out wearing some of the more “fashionable” things.

(3) Since I myself will be when I graduate.

For example, my great aunt Sylvia is a pretty stereotypical New York to Florida Jew. Think Mike Myers’ old character on “Coffee Talk” from “Saturday Night Live.” Basically, she is the personification of the word “gaudy.” I love her for being family and all around she is great, but that doesn’t mean you have to wear the same sunglasses as her. Yeah, I’m talking about the huge black ones that cover up your face.

I’m not sure why older people wear these glasses, but I’ll guess the glasses have something to do with sun protection. You are somewhere between what, 18 and 22? Just stop wearing the glasses. I won’t love you like my great aunt Sylvia if you do. If those glasses are for sun protection, maybe you should just stop spending so much time in the tanning salons instead.

On the topic of fashion, guys, popping your collar isn’t cool unless being called a “total douche” is cool to you. If that is the case, then pop your collar as much as you want.

Lastly, I’m going to talk sports. See, I can talk sports, but that is because I feel like I’m somewhat knowledgeable about them. I wouldn’t talk sports, and you shouldn’t either, if you have no idea what is going on with them. As a safe way to go, you should probably not try to pronounce any name you aren’t quite sure how to say (4), and you probably shouldn’t talk every two seconds while watching whatever sport. Just simple things to make the world a better place.

(4) I.e. don’t try talking about hockey.

Well that does it for another Guide to Life. I hope with these important tips, your life here at Cal Poly will be a good one. Love and peace and I’ll see you all for one last time next week.

Getting legit with the latest epic slang

This article was originally published in the May 22nd, 2007 edition of The Mustang Daily

As a loyal reader of my articles, you would know that it was my birthday just a few weeks ago. With my birthday, I became the ripe old age of 22. With this old age, I have noticed that there are just some things I can no longer relate to when it comes to the younger generation. Namely, I feel like I just either don’t understand, or will always refuse to say some of the lingo.

What comes as a surprise to me though is that this generation that I am writing about is just a few years younger than I am, yet I feel that the language gap is huge. I suppose that this is one of those things about language constantly evolve over time, and that I will just have to face the facts that I can’t just describe my girlfriend as being someone who is all that with a bag of chips anymore. But, regardless of this gap, I am going to give you this guide on breaking down common-day slang and even give you some new words you can use so you can be a trendsetter yourself.

The first word to look at is of epic proportions (1). Well, not really. Why? Well, the word “epic” is starting to be used in more ways than I ever thought imaginable. When I think of the word “epic,” I think of stuff that actually has to be huge. Dinosaurs, I would say, were pretty epic. I mean come on, those bastards were huge. You know what else is epic or will be looked at as epic? Yes, you guessed it - Will Smith will always be described career-wise as being an epic man. Martin Lawrence once had the chance, but then after making both “Big Momma’s House” and “Big Momma’s House 2,” I think we all see now that his career is far from ever being epic. I mean come on, Smith has saved the world from robots and aliens all the while rapping to the freshest (2) beats around.

(1) How’s that for a segue into a topic sentence?

(2) See, I still say “freshest.” So what?

The problem with the word “epic” today, though, is that it is being used to describe pretty much anything that has some sort of excitement in people’s lives. A couple examples of horrible, yet common usage are “Hey do you want to road trip to L.A. this weekend? That shit will be epic” and “I killed my midterm, man, and that thing was supposed to be so epic.” You see how ridiculous this is? The word “close” should only be used in horseshoes and hand grenades, so let’s just say that “epic” should only be used in events or descriptions that are actually dynamic (3).

(3) Like Smith.

The next word was truly popular in the late ’80s and early ’90s, and for some reason the word is back, but the originator is still forgotten. Of course, I’m talking about the word “legit,” but am still wondering how MC Hammer is totally out of the equation after “Too Legit To Quit.” One explanation for Hammer being forgotten can come from the fact that, God forbid, this younger generation I’m talking about doesn’t know who Hammer is. I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and say that they do know who the legendary Hammer is though, because if they don’t, they probably have no sense of what music should actually sound like. Anyway, the word “legit” used out of context of Hammer’s song just shouldn’t be used the way it is. I understand that it takes a lot of breath and man power to say “legitimate,” but I guess that for some reason actually sounding intelligent when you speak isn’t cool or something. Basically, let’s just leave the word “legit” to the legendary Hammer, who made the word cool, and not use the word unless we’re quoting the song (4).

(4) Which should be done more often.

As promised, I am now going to suggest some new slang words for you all. Unfortunately “That’s so Raven” never caught on as describing comedy, good acting and more comedy, but I’ll give alternatives that should stick.

The first is “co’cumber.” Yeah, no longer do you have to be as “cool as a cucumber” because that is way too many words. Plus, it has always been way more popular-sounding to say “co’” than the full “cool,” so saying “co’cumber” will really give you some street cred to your name. For example, “Damn, that bro is co’cumber right now, know what I’m saying biatch?”

Or how about “Damn that’s Blainey.” This word will be used to describe things that are freaky, fake, and monotone all in one: “Plastic surgery to make your fingers all the same size is just Blainey.”

The third is that you just “Sanjaya’d it.” This will be used if you want to describe something or someone that is annoying, somewhat funny to watch, and still in the closet. For example, “He definitely Sanjaya’d it when he started humping the couch in front of everyone.”

Well that does it for another Guide to Life. Again, I hope you learned something and I will see you all next week.