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Happy Birthday to Me
Tomorrow is my birthday. I reach the ripe old age of 24 and because of this birthday, I feel like it is necessary that this week’s Guide to Life is all about me.
Now you might be thinking, “Hey Mike, how will this be a Guide to Life if it’s all about YOU!?” Well first of all, stop yelling in all capital letters, and secondly, the answer to that question is easy. You see, I write and you read. Many times, I’ll use examples in my articles that deal with my personal life. By the transitive property (1) of math or something, since I write about me and you read what I write for advice, what you read about my life is something you learn from.
(1) Master of not only English, but also math.
Simple as that.
First off, I don’t ever go to the doctor. Ever. I’ve written before about how I am a machine and really, machines ALWAYS fix themselves and have no problems (2). With this mentality, I am able to live a stronger life. Don’t get me wrong here, I am not a scientologist or anything saying that my body will always cure itself without medicine, but rather I am saying that I always feel like my mind will kick the crap out of any illness or injury I get.
(2) Except my mom’s sewing machine that I have to fix every time I go home. Or my dad’s computer.
By doing this, I don’t limit myself in any way. Here’s a perfect example:
My friends birthday was last night, and she thinks she has strep throat. She is so worried about her sickness that she told me she might have to go to the doctor and get antibiotics, and then not be able to go out and celebrate her birthday this weekend.
The simple solution is to not go to the doctor. If you aren’t told you have strep throat, you either don’t have it, or can at least prolong it a few more days.
What you don’t know, won’t hurt you (3).
(3) I should really be a doctor.
Second thing is that in my eyes, Barry Bonds will always be one of the greatest baseball players of all time, regardless of any sort of steroid controversy (4).
(4) It’s my birthday. Tell me I’m wrong and you are a horrible human being.
Third thing is that I will never eat Orbitz gum. This is not because of the taste or anything, but the package looks like you are opening up a mini purse to get to the gum inside. A real man like me goes for Dentyne Ice every time. Slide that gum out, pop a piece out of that foil, no power that piece out of the foil, and then go to town. Orbitz is for girls, Dentyne Ice is for guys. Pretty straight forward.
Next thing is that I have two plants in my room and this is something I can recommend to everyone. This might be the most metrosexual thing about me. For the most part, I’m a dude’s dude. I wear shirts from Target, I have about two pairs of shoes, and I haven’t washed my car in months, but the plants are here in my room.
The plants are also alive though. I do this for a few reasons. One, is that they look nice. More importantly though, I have grown to have a weird relationship (5) with them.
(5) Strictly platonic, of course. Or should I say PLANTonic?! http://tinyurl.com/2qr8dv
You see, I provide these plants life, and while they stay green and growing, I know that at least through whatever troubles and hardships I may have, that these two bad boys show that I am still capable of doing something right. I water them maybe three times a week, which isn’t a whole lot of effort, but the at least there is some symbolism here to the fact that if those things die, it will mean that something is wrong with my responsibility.
Speaking of responsibility, I suggest you keep some sort of photo ID of yourself in asafe place. This past weekend, I somehow lost my wallet. Over and over again I have had to answer the question, “Well how did you lose it?” Pretty much if I knew how I lost it, I would probably be able to find it. Thank god I have my passport though. While there are no real jokes with this other than you laughing at me for being an idiot, just know that a birthday without ID would not be a very fun birthday. Luckily I have my passport around, and while its dorky to walk around with a checkbook and passport so I can pay for things, drastic times call for drastic measures.
Well that’s it for this Guide to Life. Again, if you didn’t like anything I said, you’re horrible person since my birthday is tomorrow.
Love, peace, and see you next week.
