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A Guide to Yo Momma’s Day
Mother’s Day is this Sunday and if you forget, your life is pretty much over. Good thing I’m here, as always to save your life from falling into a total pit of despair. This article isn’t about me though, maybe for once, and instead is about your Mom. No, this isn’t going to be a serious of Yo’ Mamma jokes (1), but instead a way for you to make sure that you treat your mom right on Mother’s day.
(1) But, Yo Mamma is so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. Sorry, but that’s just the truth.
You see, it’s a simple holiday…a holiday in which you thank your Mom for all that she has done for you in the past, and to remind her how much you love her. To accomplish making her feel special, follow this guide to make sure that her day is great, and that this makes you look better than ever.
First things first, cards of course are great, and absolutely necessary. A card to a Mom might actual be the most important thing you can do for her. I’m not sure what Mom’s love so much about cards, but really, don’t give a card, and don’t expect to be welcome back home anymore. Give a card, and you are good at least until next year’s Mother’s day.
While I usually hate picking out cards for any kind of card giving event, picking cards out for Mother’s Day is as easy as can be. Go to the store and find the card with the most flowers on it. That’s right, it doesn’t even matter what it says, the more flowers the better. She’ll love it guaranteed. If you really want to impress her, write some sort of poem like:
Mom, you have done so much for me over the years,
You’ve helped me with my homework, and bought me fat kid jeans from Sears.
The amount of love for you I have you probably have no idea,
It is more than a computer company has for outsourcing jobs to India.
I would go on, but I am getting choked up just writing this. Imagine how much your Mom will love to read something like this. (2)
(2) Feel free to use that poem without even giving me credit. I’m THAT good of a guy.
The next thing about Mother’s Day is that along with that card, gifts are probably a good thing to throw in there. If you are home with your Mom, a nice bouquet of flowers should be quite adequate. If you’re far from home though, like me, there is one option that always works.
This of course being a promise of a manicure and pedicure for your Mom the next time you’re home. I’m not saying to do the manicure and pedicure yourself. God no. I know absolutely nothing about this (3). Rather, promise that you’ll buy your Mom this from the professionals.
(3) Don’t expect “Mike’s Guide to Nail Painting” anytime soon.
Really, I’m not quite sure I will ever understand what it is about manicures and pedicures that Moms love so much. I guess I should correct myself though and say that I will never understand what it is about manicures and pedicures that any lady loves so much.
I understand manicures I guess. Fine. I’ll let you have your nice looking finger nails, but I can honestly say that I don’t think there has been a SINGLE time in my life when I have noticed a girls painted toe nails. Maybe I’m just a guy and don’t notice these things, but literally not once.
But sorry, I digress. The point is that Mom’s love that gift, and seriously I think my sister have gotten her some good nail paintings every birthday, Mother’s Day, and Hannukah that I can remember.
Dad gets a crazy tie, Mom gets her nails done (4)
(4) Or her nails “did” like the kids say these days.
Lastly, if steps 1 and 2 are too hard for you, God forbid you don’t call your Mom on Sunday. Jewish Moms and calls is like Paula Abdul and pain killers. An addiction. Obviously not all of you reading this are Jewish, but I can imagine that this is something so extremely universal that if you don’t do this, you’re going to be in trouble.
That does it for this week’s Guide. Have a nice Sunday and make sure you treat your Mom right.
See you all next week.
Love you Mom.
