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Guys, don’t do brunch
I’m a dude. I eat like a dude. I have my three meals a day and while trying to be healthy, I will have the occasional hamburger or piece of pizza here and there but I don’t ever over do it. I feel like being out of college is the right time to eat well and take whatever responsibility for my life that I can.
While I eat three meals a day, I usually like to keep it this way. I see myself as a man of certain habit. I get to work and have cereal, yogurt, and a banana every single morning. Sometimes I’ll throw in some kind of nutrition bar, but for the most part this is literally what my breakfast is. Lunch is either some sort of chicken salad or plain sandwich. Dinner I get a little creative sometimes, but I usually pick from a few places.(1)
(1) Subway, Subway, or maybe Subway
Now, you might be reading this and thinking, “Mike, I don’t give a crap about what you’re eating habits are.” (2) That might be true, except for the fact that you can literally learn everything there is to life by following me, so chill with the attitude for a second and hang with me here.
(2) and then going on to think “but damn you are probably the most awesome guy in the world.”
The point of this article is to point out that three meals a day are necessary for a dude like me. Some say it’s good to eat small meals every few hours, but I digress.
The point I truly want to make is that in a three meal a day lifestyle, brunch does not fit in the equation.
You might be thinking that its kind of ridiculous that a Jew doesn’t like brunch since usually bagels are a staple of these meals, but for me, and all guys anywhere, brunch should not be allowed.
For one, I don’t really participate in any projects that you “do.” Let me explain. I don’t “do drinks,” I don’t “do karaoke,” and I sure as hell don’t “do brunch.” I’m not sure what it is about the operative word, “do” but I don’t like it and feel like it’s a good way to knock off activities that I don’t particularly care for.
The second thing about this whole brunch thing, is that I feel like it is meant for women only. I have never seen an episode of Sex and the City (3) but I feel like every episode of that show includes Sarah Jessica Parker and those other women at brunch at some point talking about the men in their lives. Girls, good, go do brunch and gossip all you want about guys, but guys this isn’t the same way the other way around.
(3) Promise.
Guys, all your gossiping about girls should be spent in gym shorts or boxers as you lay around your living room, not in any sort of prissy meal eating atmosphere.
I called it prissy food, and there’s good reason for that. On a nice Sunday afternoon, I don’t want scrambled eggs or eggs Benedict or Pope Benedict or Pope John Paul III. I don’t want a quiche or croissant or blintz or dasher or dancer or prancer or vixen or comet or cupid or donner. (4) I also sure as hell don’t want crepes, mostly because I have no idea what they even are. You see what I’m getting at here? If a guy like me doesn’t know what these foods are, they don’t belong on my plate.
(4) Those are all 10 of Rudolph’s reindeer right?
Now if you’re a guy reading this and for some reason want to do brunch again, there is a time when this is allowed. Girls, like I said, you can do brunch whenever your heart desires. Guys though, wait until you are at least 30 or 35, when you are more likely to be married or in a serious relationship. I feel like then and only then will it be allowed because your significant other will probably drag you to it. In that case, fine, go do it, but make a pact with your loved one that there will be absolutely no picture taking allowed. Also, if anyone asks where you were, you had a BBQ at your house that morning (5) and absolutely did NOT attend a made up meal that combines breakfast, lunch, and overall ridiculousness.
(5) Oh and there was also a bitchin’ slip-n-slide. Maybe Crocodile Mile even?
Well again, its been fun. Stay strong guys and avoid brunch as long as possible.
See you all next week.
