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How to avoid small talk at work
The work life can be extremely challenging. Not only do you face rigorous hours, difficult tasks, and a pressure to get responsibilities done, but also certain daunting occurrences that happen just about every single day. No silly, I’m not talking about what to do with your boredom after you seemingly have gone to every website on the internet (1), but rather, dealing with small talk.
(1) Which includes Facebook most of the time
You see, in reality, pretty much everyone at your work place goes through the same usual routines. For me, it includes getting to work and having an energy bar (2), having a bowl of cereal, filling up my water bottle (3), and sitting down at my desk for most of the day to get my work done.
(2) I’m talking pure PROTEIN baby.
(3) That’s right ladies, not only healthy, but also eco friendly.
While it would be great if most of the time I could do my work in peace, my day is often interrupted by talk with people in the office who frankly, I don’t always care to talk to. For one, this small talk is usually boring, two, it’s usually not exciting, and three, I’m boring myself just thinking about this small talk in general.
But fear not. Like in all my Guides to Life, there is a way to combat this small talk. You are a baby bird on a rainy day, and I will flap my wings of pure wisdom to you, to nurture you to safety and peace of mind from all your troubles. (4)
(4) Healthy, eco friendly, and god damn poetic.
First things first my friend. You can’t combat small talk unless you know what the hell it is. To tell though is easy. Ask yourself a few questions. Do you want to be talking to him or her in the first place? Do you normally talk to this person for over two minutes? And then most importantly, do you give any kind of shit at all to what he or she is talking about? Likely, you’ll just need any combination of those 2 questions to be true, and it’s small talk.
So, here’s the scenario. You’re calmly and peacefully filling up your water bottle, when BAM, as cliché as “water cooler talk” can possibly be, a coworker comes up and starts talking to you. Usually it is about the weather or what you’re wearing or the weekend or something else insignificant. Like I said before, most small talk you don’t care about at all, so really who knows what the hell it is even about.
You now notice that the conversation has evolved. As it escalates, the person you are talking to now though has started talking about some sort of idea or observation that is so bland that your mind starts to panic. Oh shit, what the hell are you going to do? You have no idea AT ALL about what is being talked about.
Fear not. You don’t have to know. There are a few options to get out of this.
The easiest and nicest way is to just be totally unresponsive. Someone talking to you can only explain so much if all you are doing is nodding your head. The key though, is that you don’t ask questions no matter what. No “explain this…” or “what about this…” and definitely don’t say “wait, can you go over this again?” Fact is, while he is boring as hell, you will be beating him at his own game of pin-the-tail-on-the-I-am-completely-bored-talking-to-you-game (5). You see, while you’re being rude for acting totally uninterested, in reality, the person talking to you will just get so bored with the situation too that he’ll have to give up. Crisis averted.
(5) OR “Ring around the who gives a shit” OR “Duck, duck, seriously what?” OR “Hide and go seek out literally anything more exciting than you”
Another way to get out of small talk is a little more direct verbally, and will stop the other person fairly quickly. You tell them a simple, “That’s crazy,” while just giving a slight head nod back and forth. You can simultaneously fill more water into your cup or bottle too if you feel so inclined (6)
(6) Remember: Don’t fill more water in if it will cause overflow.
Saying that simple phrase shows that you were paying attention, but also abruptly ends the talk with affirmation that you get what they are saying. If you’re like me though, you must listen to a few key words and phrases as to where “That’s crazy” might not be appropriate. This includes any mention of the words “abortion,” “gay rights,” and “Nazi” to name a few. Just use your discretion with this one.
On the flipside, any mention of things like “rain,” “long work days” or “I want there to be a Sister Act 3” definitely gets a “That’s crazy” response which will totally get you of that situation.
The last thing you can do, which is the most drastic, is to pretend like you’re getting a phone call. Either reach down to your pocket and grab your phone like its ringing, or throw a hail mary (7) and try this move:
(7) Healthy, eco friendly, poetic, and into sports. Sign me up to be the next Bachelor, I know.
First, with your left hand, put up your pointer finger as if to say, “Hold on.” Then, with your right hand, take your pointer finger and press the tip to your ear like you have the worlds smallest Bluetooth earpiece in and have just taken a call. Then, simply start talking like you’re on the phone, and run the hell away. Fast. Cell phone calls for whatever reason always trump normal conversation, so while the Bluetooth method is drastic, this one can work.
Well, that does it for another rousing edition of Mike’s Guide to Life. Like always, I hope you learned something and now are fully equipped to avoid that small talk.
Love and peace till next Thursday.
