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Sandwich Restaurant Etiquette
As a college graduate of only a few years ago, I still must live rather cheaply. While yes, I am working, no, I don’t make enough money to go crazy every night meal wise (1). Basically, I go to work, and then on my way home I go to grab what I think is one of the greatest deals ever. The five-dollar footlong. If you don’t know what I mean (2), let’s just say it comes from a pretty popular food chain.
(1) Or crazy any other way. Unless going home and talking to my mom and dad on AIM is a crazy night.
(2) No, not some sort of purchase at a Saigon whore house
I realize I shouldn’t say the name of the chain because of any sort of legal ramifications, so I will simply use the completely ambiguous name “Underground Public Transportation.”
Now you might be thinking, “Mike, what can you possibly say about Underground Public Transportation?” Well my friend, it is simple. You see, while Underground Public Transportation is almost as popular as a fat kid right about to jump off a high dive, there are certain ways people are messing this all up.
Don’t worry though. As always, I’m here for you to guide you through proper Underground Public Transportation etiquette.
First things first and I can’t stress this one enough. Basically, people are making mistakes before they even set foot in the store. This of course being that no matter what car you drive and of what social status you would like to be in, absolutely do not park your car backwards in a space in front of Underground Public Transportation. The reasons are simple and twofold. One, if you’re driving such a nice car that you have to pull it in backwards, you probably can afford a meal from somewhere nicer. Two, if your social status is so high, you probably can afford a meal from somewhere nicer. (3)
(3) Sorry and three, you are an A-hole.
Next thing is something that might be hard to grasp, but it is for the most part true. That being that even though the sandwiches are great, every single sandwich from Underground Public Transportation tastes exactly the same. That’s right. Want the turkey? It tastes like rubber. How about roast beef? Rubber. Meatball? Rubber covered in salty marinara sauce. If you really like the rubbery goodness, I’d suggest the chicken breast sandwich, which is rubber in between two pieces of more rubber.
With that said, there should be a rule not to take more than I don’t know 20 seconds to decide what you want on your sandwich. They. All. Taste. The. Same.
To really go deeper into this, you by no circumstances are ever, EVER allowed to call someone who you’re getting a sandwich for asking him what he wants. This is because well, if you want a sandwich from Underground Public Transportation, you likely don’t have time for something better and surely don’t want to spend all evening waiting for your sandwich. That, and Underground Public Transportation isn’t good or unique enough where you should be picky receiving one of the sandwiches, so calling someone about what kind of sandwich he wants is pointless.
Everyone must and will enjoy all of its five-dollar glory, and not worry about anything else.
We are at a recession here people. You can’t be complaining about literally anything that can feed you for five dollars. (4)
(4) And don’t make me bring up the Saigon whore thing again.
Well that does it for another Mike’s Guide to Life. Feel free now that you’re done reading, to go make a trip to your local Underground Public Transportation, now equipped with the necessary advice to do so.
