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American Idol. A patriotic primer
I don’t get it. I just don’t. Yes, I write a column every week guiding you through the do’s and don’t of life, but I won’t ever understand American Idol. It is in something like its 15th season (1), and I must admit, I am embarrassed to say I have seen about three episodes of this show total. No, I’m not embarrassed that I’ve only seen three episodes of such a popular show, but rather that I actually have sat through three episodes.
(1) Don’t care quite enough to look that up.
I realize I am really putting myself out there for even admitting that, as not only is my sexuality probably being questioned because of this, but also because admitting that I have only seen three episodes of this show puts me on alert to the US government. I can whole heartedly say though, that NO, I am not a terrorist for only watching three episodes of this show, and must be a part of the elite few who aren’t a terrorist and don’t like American Idol (2).
(2) Bring on the fireworks and hamburgers. USA USA
Just because I have barely seen the show though, doesn’t mean I can’t give you the necessary information you need to know about this program that is currently on TV each week.
First things first. As American as American Idol is, it features some of America’s finest as the judges. This of course being head by the American, no wait British, Simon Cowell. Wait, sorry. That one made my brain hurt a bit. Apparently though, the best judge of American singers, isn’t even from America. Rather, he is a smarmy British man with tight black t-shirts.
If that isn’t terrorism at work, a British dude at the helm of AMERICAN Idol, I don’t know what is. But I digress.
He of course is joined by Randy Jackson, and the 20-years-too-old-to-be-relevant and 3-million-too –many-pills -ingested -to -know -where -she -is Paula Abdul. My fondest memories of Paula Abdul were probably when my sister would play Paula’s “Straight Up” over and over again, never letting me play my favorite MC Hammer tape on our cassette player (3). While I couldn’t stand Paula on loop back then, I actually now quite enjoy her loopy (4) personality now. It shows that even drug addicts can make millions of dollars annually.
(3) Yes, kiddies on the internet. A cassette player. Go wiki it or google it or whatever you do for research of the past
(4) Looped song and loopy personality. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!?!? Keep up with me here people.
That my friends, is what the American dream is all about. Thankfully she is there to balance out Cowell’s pure douchebaggery as a Brit who thinks he’s better than us (5.)
(5) But he’s NOT. Come on people yell it with me USA USA USA SHOW ME THE MONEY USA USA
Lastly, apparently there is some new judge lady too. Probably useless yadda yadda.
Now on to this year’s remaining contestants. For the extensive research that I will provide to you, no, I’m not going to watch the show, but instead give you a rundown from American Idol’s website. While the show to me is unbearable, just having the American Idol website open can provide hours of questioning from my roommates if they see that I’m on the site (6.)
(6) Must. Remember. To. Erase. Browser. History.
So, based on what America thinks is most important in people, their looks (7) I’ll breakdown a few of the contestants.
(7) And whatever BS they have on their bio pages.
For starters, there are Danny, Chris, Matt, and Michael. Again, not knowing anything but what is on the website, I’ll safely assume that these four are totally disappointed that the boy band phase has passed. I’m talking like more disappointed than that one or two girls who wanted to marry Clay Aiken and somehow didn’t know he was gay before he came out of the closet.
Then there is Adam. I don’t actually understand how Adam can be a contestant. I would think that as a member of the Jonas Brothers, that Adam can’t ALSO be competing in American Idol.
There’s a contestant named Lil? I’m not going to say she’s a token black contestant still on the show or anything. Nope. Won’t go there. Oh wait, her name is Lil Rounds? Ehh I’ll just leave that one alone.
Scott to me seems intriguing. I saw the video on the site of him singing. Sure, I give the guy props for being a blind man and doing what he is doing, but let me ask you this America…Why the standing ovations? I’m going to try to be PC as I ask this, but like really, he HEARS the clapping. He can’t SEE you standing. I suppose at the end of his performance, someone can tell him he got a standing O, but if he doesn’t get one, do you REALLY think that someone would tell him that?
Lastly, there is my favorite, the happy-go-lucky looking Anoop. The great thing Anoop has going for him, is most likely half of America must think he is the star of Slumdog Millionaire, which will surely keep his popularity at an absolute high.
So, there you have it. You can now thank me for giving you the proper knowledge about American Idol, so you too can sound relevant and like a true patriot to your friends and this country.
