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Learn to use your cell phone. Finally.
When I was young, there were a couple things that annoyed me. Don’t get me wrong here, I can remember many happy times about the past, but for now, I will focus on some stuff that really just wasn’t the best for me.
For one, buying jeans was always trouble. My mom called me, “husky” instead of, “fat,” which in retrospect I’m not sure is nicer, but I digress. The annoyance with jeans is that I had to get a large waist and short length. Not easy. I think we found the trick to be JC Penny as my pretty much sole jean provider. (1)
(1) No thanks to you Mervyn’s and Ross. Although it’s probably better that I never was able to buy Stussy and Mossimo jeans.
Another annoyance that I had was running. I was always the kid who would lag behind in PE class warm-ups and surely would be walking by lap two of the mile. (2)
(2) I’m just a powerhouse now though.
The third annoyance was that with my chubby cheeks and overall “husky” kid syndrome, was that I embarrassed easily. When I got embarrassed, it was also easy to tell. Red in the face, would stutter, etc. etc.
Now, these are all things that for the most part I have battled. I still get red easily, but hey, I can live with that. As far as cosmetics go, things are all good.
Today though, I have a problem that is much different than the previous problems mentioned. The underlying problem though, is that there isn’t really much I can do to combat this new problem but to write a Guide to Life to try to teach you the ways to use your cell phone in a way that can be peaceful to the rest of the society.
Let’s break down these annoyances.
The first, is that if you aren’t in a car, you shouldn’t be allowed to use a hands-free headset. Period. I don’t care if you are in the supermarket and have your hands full, or if you are walking down the street with a briefcase in one hand a double-non-fat-soy-frap–light-on-the-whip-don’t-ever-order-such-a-drink-anyways is in the other. Just don’t do it. Unless you want to make your fellow homeless man feel like he fits in because it appears as if you are talking to yourself, (3) hold the phone to your ear.
(3) As documented in this wonderful piece I created a few years ago:
On second thought, if you are in any sort of line at all, whether it be the supermarket, or bank, or fast food restaurant or whatever, you aren’t allowed to use your cell phone. At all. For one, you’re holding up the line, and two, nobody cares about what you’re saying on the phone.
The second annoyance that I have, and it is a big one, might sadden you. This is that you don’t talk about your iphone. Look, it is great that you can wave it around and make a light saber noise, or flick it back and forth with a virtual lighter on the screen looking like its lit, or that has an accelerometer (4). Here are the cold hard facts though about your iphone. I understand that you paid some high price for it and pay a huge monthly fee. Great. Yes. Got it. That doesn’t justify you showing me these useless apps though.
(4) Seriously don’t care you nerd.
I don’t want to shut you out completely from the world though. I have no problems with you finding other iphone users and geeking away to your hearts content, but the fact that my phone makes calls, sends texts, checks email, and is used for the occasional Google map or calendar is all I need. Seriously. Enjoy your iphone and whatever dumb tricks it can do on your own.
Lastly, there is the issue of voice mails vs. texts. I’ll try to break down the rules for you pretty simply. If you haven’t talked to someone in say one or two weeks, a voicemail is fine to leave. If you are my mom, dad, grandma, aunt or uncle, a voicemail is also fine to leave (5). If you want to tell me how great I am and how much you miss me and care about me, sure spill your guts on a voicemail. That’s about it.
Otherwise text.
(5) They don’t know how to text.
The reason is simple. Pretty much, 80% of all voicemails are for the most part useless. It is much quicker to read that you should call someone, rather than listening to them babble on and on by way of voicemail. Unless you are say, Anderson Cooper, and are completely articulate and to the point, don’t embarrass yourself by leaving a voicemail.
You now know my annoying times from the past (6), and how not to annoy me or anyone else in the future.
Love, peace, and I’ll see you here next week.
(6) As documented in this not wonderful piece I was in a few years ago:
