Find
Bowling expLANEd.
There are barbarian sports in the world such as football, rugby, and the only one my 
Jewish mother let me participate in being tennis. On the other end of the spectrum, there’s golf, oh wait tennis (1), and then bowling. Bowling really is the great equalizer among all people and really sometimes easily forgotten as something you and your friends can do.
(1) Rolled ankles to a Jewish mom is like a Football related injury like say, a shoulder separation to a non-Jewish mom.
If you haven’t been bowling in awhile, let this serve as a primer. If you do regularly go bowling, let this serve as a guide to making sure that you’re doing it all right.
To do this, I’m going to break down bowling into a few of the different kinds of people you’ll find at a bowling alley.
I’ll start off with who else but myself, and the kind of bowler that I am. I’ll call myself the All Power, No Skill Bowler. In my mind, I have some skill, but in reality I am trying to make bowling into one of those barbaric sports mentioned earlier. Basically, my technique is all about picking the lightest ball I can stick my fingers into (2), and throwing it as straight and hard as I possibly can (3). By doing this, I am attempting to be stronger than the game.
(2) Careful. Don’t be dirty now.
(3) Seriously, let’s get a little more mature
While bowling last night, my friend Heather and I got in a discussion about this technique. She asked if I visualized the ball just being huge and if it would take everything out Indiana Jones-ball style. I told her it was quite the opposite. Instead, I imagine the ball being as small as possible, and that I can throw this ball so hard that it blasts the crap out of the pins, sending them into complete and total orbit. I’m talking like into another hemisphere, sending these pins to freakin outer space.
200 pound machine throwing a 10 pound ball. This isn’t complicated math here people. Pins will explode.
The next kind of bowler is the Bro Bowler. We actually didn’t have one with us, but rather the lane next to us. Dude wasn’t a dude but a bro. His gelled spikey hair was atop a squared face drinking beers and bowling with his girl, who happened to be about 18. He looked to be around 25. Bro thought he was such a badass that he had a competition with this barely legal girl that he was telling her he would destroy her. Problem though, was that Bro was horrible at bowling. While he thought he was awesome, his date kept beating him game after game after game.
The intent of this article is not to say guys or girls are better at bowling than each other, but hey bro, if you’re going to talk a big game to your girl, you should probably back it up. This became more important when the girl started making fun of him to us guys who were on the lane next to them. If we were into an 18 year old, maybe 17 Year old girl, bro would have not only lost in bowling, but also his date.
On the subject of girls, we have the next bowler, being the I Don’t Have Game, So I’ll Use Bowling As A Way To Pick Up Girls Bowler. Not the catchiest title ever, but stay with me here folks. In many large groups, there are bound to be a few guys who try a little to hard at picking up girls.
We had a few of them last night. We also had two girls in our group. While it’s all fine and dandy to try to meet new people, Wednesday night bowling probably isn’t the best way to pick up on chicks. I’d say this is true about girls picking up on guys, but literally girls, you can try to pick up on dudes at any second of the day and any location there is without any kind of rules against it (4).
(4) Supermarket, ATM Machine, Funeral, whatever.
So, we have these dudes who awkwardly try to pick up on the girls. It was obvious to everyone as they tried using such genius lines like, “Hey your glasses would look better on me” all the way down to sucking up by saying, “You’re pretty good at bowling. You must practice ALL the time.”
Truth with these guys is their game would be better off suited for the arcade bowling alley, than the game they have with women.
Grab some quarters and go play DDR (5).
(5) Speaking of DDR, at what point will it be so popular that the next generation will start doing DDR moves when hard techno songs start playing out at Clubs and Bars?
The last bowler could have some overlap with the others, but for the most part is the All Too Serious Bowler. If you bowl under 75, haha it’s ironic because you’re an adult and kids play the game and can probable get a score close to that. If you bowl between 75
and 150, you’re in the 80th percentile skill wise and have fun with most people. If you bowl over 150 in a casual game with your friends, you are a complete asshole. In fact, it is impossible to look like you’re having fun if you’re bowling that well because everything switches from haha fun times, to must embarrass everyone. You turn into Mr. Cool, but in reality you’re playing a game that many senior citizens would still destroy you at.
Ease up your game, and have some fun out there. This is bowling. One of the more silly games there is.
Because of length restraints, quickly here are some of the other kinds. The Slow and Steady Thrower, the Tries To Spin It Like They Are Playing Wii Bowling, the I Just Go Bowling to Get Drunk Bowler, and the I’m Just Going To Try Trick Shots Because I Know I Suck Bowler.
Well, that does it for another Mike’s Guide to Life. As always, I hope you learned something.
Love, peace, and see you next week.
